Wednesday, December 31, 2008
A year has past.
So 2008 is coming to a close, and I feel as if I have accomplished nothing this year.
My grades are slacking in school, The only thing I feel that I brought upon myself was a lot of drama, even though I have gained a few AMAZINGLY close friends in the process... but I don't know, I wasted most of this year in a state of depression and confusion!
FUCK THAT!!!
2009 is going to be soo much better!
I know it is!!!!
At the stroke of midnight everything will change!
Goodbye sorrow, hello happiness!
The New Year HERE I COME!
And I am coming strong!
:D
My grades are slacking in school, The only thing I feel that I brought upon myself was a lot of drama, even though I have gained a few AMAZINGLY close friends in the process... but I don't know, I wasted most of this year in a state of depression and confusion!
FUCK THAT!!!
2009 is going to be soo much better!
I know it is!!!!
At the stroke of midnight everything will change!
Goodbye sorrow, hello happiness!
The New Year HERE I COME!
And I am coming strong!
:D
Friday, December 26, 2008
Short story...
JAY
I sat there with him in his room, my girlfriend was texting me, but she wasn’t the person who was on my mind. Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Why was I getting hot, I mean we were watching porn, but I think I was more turned on by observing him watching it. I received a new text message from my girlfriend asking me what I was doing, I couldn’t just respond with, “Me and my best guy friend are watching a porno and you have no idea how bad I want to go down on him right now.” I don’t think that she would like that very much. She already says that I seem distant at times. What the fuck is going on? I responded to her text with a “nothing” bland I know, but what else was I supposed to say?
Oh great! Another sex scene! Look at his face, he is getting all excited… he is fucking hot when he is horny … Wait … STOP! This isn’t right! Is it?
“Hey man you alright”, he asked me.
“Yeah dude I am good.” I replied.
When really inside I wanted him to throw me down and lay on top of me. What am I saying? I can’t have these feelings. I should call my girlfriend.
“Do you mind if I…?” he asked me, pointing to his male parts.
“Naw, go ahead.” I said.
Holy shit! I can’t watch this; I can’t sit here and watch him play with himself.
“I will be right back I forgot to call my girlfriend earlier.” I choked out.
“Alright.” He replied.
I got my phone and walked out of the room, what do I talk to her about? I found her name and clicked send. Do I tell her? Is it time? I need time to think! It’s ringing, oh shit it’s ringing!
“Hello?” She asked into the phone.
“Hey, can we talk?” I asked.
* * *
“Yeah, we can talk what’s up, is something wrong?” she asked me.
Thinking quickly about what I should say, sweating profusely, and shaking at the thought of telling her how I was feeling.
“Nothing is wrong, I just felt like talking to you girl.” I panicked, I couldn’t tell her anything.
“Oh, alright, where are you at babe?” she questioned.
“Oh, I am at Aiden’s house, but I just wanted to call and check up on you.” I said.
“I am doing good, but I’ll let you go though so you can chill with Aiden, have fun, goodnight babe love you.”
“Um… alright, night, love you too!”
She hung up. So what should I do now? Should I go back into Aiden’s room?
After pacing around for a few minutes I decided to head back to Aiden’s room. When I opened the door there he was laying on his bed, naked, jacking off to the couple having sex on the T.V. screen.
“Having fun?” I asked.
“Oh, hell yeah man. Why don’t you do this?”
“I don’t know man it just isn’t my thing I guess.” I said as I sat down in a recliner next to the bed. He sat up and moved smoothly and seductively toward me.
“What’s wrong?” he asked rubbing his hands softly up and down my thighs.
“Can’t get it up? Do you need a little help? I can help you.” He proposed as he slid his right hand to my crotch and rubbed his check against mine.
“I am just playing bro!” he stated as he punched me in my shoulder.
Oh my god, did that just happen? Fuck the porno Aiden just made me so horny within a matter of seconds. Thank god that I am wearing jeans! At this point I was in such a state of shock I completely zoned out I was mesmerized by him. He didn’t take any notice to me seeing as his porn just ended.
“Dammit man porno seems so short well its late lets crash!”
Zoning back into the conversation when I realized he had been talking to me.
“Oh, alright where should I sleep?” I asked.
“Just sleep on the other side of my bed.” He stated.
“Alright, night.”
“Night.”
I love the way he moves in his sleep, my girlfriend doesn’t move like that she lays perfectly still. I can't tell when she is taking in a breath of air, but with Aiden I can tell, I can see his sculpted chest moving up and down so slowly. Why is this so amazing to me? You know how some people say “they look like an angel when their asleep” well he really does.
* * *
Let’s just say I didn’t sleep to well last night, but eventually I did fall asleep. At around ten o’clock I was rudely woken up. Aiden was sitting on top of my stomach with his shirt off, right in my face saying “Wake up sunshine”. This wasn’t helping my so-called morning wood at all. If he only knew how I felt about him, he really wouldn’t be on top of me right now!
“Wake up sleepy ass!” he yelled.
“I’m up!” I replied.
“So what do you want to do today?” he asked.
In my head all of the thoughts soared, he couldn’t even imagine all of the stuff I wanted to do with him. What am I saying? This is too strange, this is way too different.
“I don’t care.”
“Call up your girlfriend and lets go see a movie man!” he suggested.
As if the situation wasn’t fucked up enough already adding my girlfriend will just make this day worse.
“Alright, sounds cool.”
So I did just that, the rest of the day was one huge awkward moment. I felt like a third wheel yet torn in between my girlfriend and my best friend. I guess I wasn’t acting like myself since both of them kept asking me “what’s wrong?” And anything that could make this situation worse was happening, lets just say don’t watch the movie Threesome with Stephen Baldwin when you are confused yourself! I need to get home I need to get away, I need to take some time for myself, I need to be alone.
“I am going home; I will see you both later.”
And I left, just like that.
* * *
So I went home what else was I supposed to do? I couldn’t possibly begin to describe the feelings I have for Aiden to my girlfriend, and I couldn’t even think about telling Aiden the feelings I have for him, I am afraid that they will disown me and not want anything to do with me. What will I do if I lost my best friend and my girlfriend?
My cell phone kept ringing, over and over, it was Jessica and Aiden calling to ask what was wrong. For once I don’t feel like talking about what is wrong, so I finally put my phone on silent (which I never do). What am I doing? Why am I trying to run away from the predicament? What is running away going to do? It isn’t going to solve anything. I mean I am still going to see both Aiden and Jessica everyday at school, and Jessica will still want to go on dates and shit. How much more of this can I take? All these questions and I still have no answers.
I lay on my bed and turned on my music, as loud as it could go, to try and block out this tornado of thoughts rushing around my head. It helped a little but nothing major.
I think that I am going to try and let all of this go and just push it out of my mind, that should work right?
* * *
It’s not working! I am trying so hard to push all of my conflicting thoughts away! But still they remain! I have shoved it off for 3 weeks now! How much longer will I be able to handle all of this? I can’t sleep, I am having trouble eating, my life has been turned upside down! Everyone is looking at me like I have leprosy or something. I bet they are all trying to guess what wrong with me. But none of them know just what kind of shit I am dealing with.
JESS
Why has Jay been acting so weird lately? What was going on with him? What’s going though his head? I sure don’t know but I know that I can’t talk to him about what I am dealing with! I mean how do I begin to describe to him that when him and I are together I sometimes think about our friend Aiden? What a fucked up girlfriend I am! How selfish could I be? Wait? Does he know that I think this way? Is that why he is drifting from me? Is that why he never wants to be around Aiden and I at the same time? God I wish I could just get into his head and know what he is thinking!
“Ohh!”
My cell phone vibrating in my lap startled me. I got a text message, who is texting me? Oh my god! It’s from Aiden! What does he want?
“Do you want to chill tomorrow?”
What should I say? Of course I want to chill tomorrow! Should I invite Jay?
I have to call Jay! I clicked his speed dial number and the phone began to ring.
“Hello?” he asked.
“Hey honey!” I said kind of off key.
“What’s up?”
“Aiden and I may chill tomorrow do you want to come with us?”
I didn’t know how to stall anymore so I just decided to ask him flat out.
“No thanks, I just got some stuff I have to do. But you two go and have fun.”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Yeah it’s fine.”
“All right then.”
“Well I am going to sleep goodnight Jess.”
“Goodnight.”
He was going to sleep this early? Its 10 o’clock he never goes to sleep before 1 or 2. Did I upset him! I don’t know what to fucking do! I am going to text Aiden back!
“Yes lets chill!”
Oh God, what am I setting myself up for?
* * *
As I am taking a shower the doorbell rings! Shit! That must be Aiden. I grabbed a towel wrapped it around my drenched body and went to go answer it. I look through the peep hole and there he is standing there with a button up collard shirt that is only halfway buttoned up I could see his amazing chest all tan and built. I instantly closed my eyes!
“Oh my god! What am I going to do?”
I finally decided that I should open the door to let him in.
“Hey Aiden.” I said as the door was opening.
“Hey” he replied. “Oh I’m sorry was this a bad time?”
“No, it’s fine, just give me a few minutes to get ready okay?”
“Alright!”
I went back to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I started to breathe really fast all I could think about was the fact that Aiden was sitting in the other room. I imagined him barging in to my bathroom ripping off his clothes and pulling me onto him. What am I thinking? He is my boyfriend’s best friend and mine. Why the hell am I feeling like this? It took a lot longer to get ready than I had planned since my head was whirling with all of these thoughts. I could hear that Aiden was just sitting in my living room flipping through the channels on the TV. I am glad that he can find ways to entertain himself. After I had gotten dressed and put my make up on I left my bathroom to join Aiden in the living room.
“I’m ready to go!” I said as I was drooling over him lounging on my sofa.
“Cool, let’s go.” He replied.
And we both proceeded out the front door.
* * *
As he was driving to the movie theaters all I could do was daydream about him. I though about him driving a convertible shirtless with the top down and his soft brown hair blowing in the wind. There really is something wrong with me. What kind of girlfriend am I? Do they have help for people dealing with this kind of sick shit?
“Are you alright?” Aiden asked.
I was to busy thinking to myself I hadn’t noticed that we were already at the movie theaters.
“Oh we’re already here? Yeah I am fine! Why do you ask?”
“You just didn’t seem to be on earth for a minute there!” He began to laugh.
I laughed with him making it seem like I was okay. Aiden turned the stereo down and looked at me with a serious look on his face.
“Jess, do you know why Jay’s been acting so different lately?”
“I honestly have no idea, do you know?”
“No, but this isn’t like Jay being all secluded and spending all of his free time by himself.”
“I know, I am really worried about him.”
“Same here.”
We sat silently in his car for the next few minutes. I am worried about Jay, but I am also worried about myself. I am worried that my feelings will end up screwing up all of our friendships.
“Lets go get our seats before the theater fills up.”
I agreed and we got out of the car got our tickets and snagged our favorite seats before it got to crowded. It was strange how natural this day out with Aiden felt, I thought that it wouldn’t be the same without Jay, but I was wrong. It felt normal it felt right. I guess Aiden felt the same way too as the previews started he rested his head on my shoulder. My heart suddenly melted and I began to get nervous. But I really liked how this night was turning out.
* * *
After the movies Aiden drove back to my place and of course I invited him in to relax for a while. We sat on the couch and flipped through the television and had random conversations about movies and various TV shows. I couldn’t help myself Aiden was just so perfect and so beautiful. I wasn’t able to think about Jay at all when Aiden was anywhere near me. I moved closer and closer to Aiden he watched me with curiosity, when I got close enough I pushed my lips to his and began to kiss him passionately while climbing on top of him. For a while he did not resist, but then he suddenly pushed me off of him.
“Jess, this isn’t right, you’re with Jay, I mean I really do like you and all, but not like this.”
“Aiden, all I can think about is you! It may be wrong and It may be fucked up but I know what I want.”
“I don’t think you do, I have got to go I will talk to you later.”
“Aiden, no, please don’t leave!”
“You need to talk to Jay!”
That is the last thing that Aiden said to me before he left my apartment!
* * *
All I could do last night after Aiden left my apartment was cry! I ran to my room and cried the rest of the night. What am I going to do? Is he going to talk to Jay? How the hell do I tell Jay about this?
AIDEN
Why are Jay and Jess acting this way? What is going through Jay’s head? Why isn’t he talking to me like he used to? And why is Jess suddenly all over me? And why do I like both of them so much? Is it weird of me to have feelings for my two best friends? Does that make me a bad friend? I don’t want to be a home wrecker; I am not trying to ruin their relationship by any means. I just can’t fight the strong feelings that I am holding inside for both of them! Does Jay sense that I am feeling this way? Is that why he is trying to stay away from me? God, this whole situation is driving me fucking insane! Maybe it would just be best if I stayed away from them both? I have no idea how I should approach this situation, do I tell them or do I just run away? I am so used to just running away from my problems but I don’t think that is going to help me this time!
* * *
I tried to sleep but all I could do was toss and turn all night long. My mind was whirling with questions and thoughts. I tried everything to silence the chaos in my head, I put on music, I tried to watch the TV, and nothing was working. Jess kept trying to call me and every time I clicked ignore. I don’t know what to say to her, I was flattered to find out that she had feelings for me but I would never do something like that to my best friend that is why I feel it is best to ignore her before the situation gets worse. I have tried to call Jay several times but he seems to be using the same tactic I am, we are so alike sometimes. This is the first time in a long while that I have felt unsure about what to do in life. I need to do something; I need to get all of this off of my chest! I picked up my phone once again and proceeded to call Jay. I knew before I dialed that he wouldn’t answer so I had decided to leave a voicemail. The phone was ringing and ringing when finally it went to voicemail, I waited impatiently for the beep. When I heard the beep I let out a big sigh and began to speak.
“Look Jay I don’t know what the hell is going on in you head but I need to tell you all that’s in mine and just get it off my chest. I … I have feelings for you, and I also have feelings for Jess. It is stronger than a friendship feeling and it has been tearing at me lately and I just don’t know what the hell is going on! Please Jay, please call me!”
I hung up the phone and began to cry.
* * *
The next day when I woke up I had a text from Jay, It said to meet him at our usual meeting place, which happened to be the towns only starbucks, at noon. I was really nervous about what would happen with our friendship, I had to motivate myself and make myself leave my house to meet him; I know if the roles were reversed he would be there for me. When I arrived I noticed that Jess was there too. It was time; we all need to talk to each other face to face. As much as I didn’t want to do that I knew that I had to. When we were all sitting down it was an awkward silence for some time but then the truth came out of us all. We all had feelings for each other that none of us knew the others had. We all were worrying about the same things; the same thing was going through all of our minds. The only question is now what do we do, where does our friendship or relationship go from here?
“So what do we do now?” I asked.
Silence, just a long awkward silence was all that was going on. All of our problems were off our chest but there are still a lot of things that we need to figure out.
I sat there with him in his room, my girlfriend was texting me, but she wasn’t the person who was on my mind. Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Why was I getting hot, I mean we were watching porn, but I think I was more turned on by observing him watching it. I received a new text message from my girlfriend asking me what I was doing, I couldn’t just respond with, “Me and my best guy friend are watching a porno and you have no idea how bad I want to go down on him right now.” I don’t think that she would like that very much. She already says that I seem distant at times. What the fuck is going on? I responded to her text with a “nothing” bland I know, but what else was I supposed to say?
Oh great! Another sex scene! Look at his face, he is getting all excited… he is fucking hot when he is horny … Wait … STOP! This isn’t right! Is it?
“Hey man you alright”, he asked me.
“Yeah dude I am good.” I replied.
When really inside I wanted him to throw me down and lay on top of me. What am I saying? I can’t have these feelings. I should call my girlfriend.
“Do you mind if I…?” he asked me, pointing to his male parts.
“Naw, go ahead.” I said.
Holy shit! I can’t watch this; I can’t sit here and watch him play with himself.
“I will be right back I forgot to call my girlfriend earlier.” I choked out.
“Alright.” He replied.
I got my phone and walked out of the room, what do I talk to her about? I found her name and clicked send. Do I tell her? Is it time? I need time to think! It’s ringing, oh shit it’s ringing!
“Hello?” She asked into the phone.
“Hey, can we talk?” I asked.
* * *
“Yeah, we can talk what’s up, is something wrong?” she asked me.
Thinking quickly about what I should say, sweating profusely, and shaking at the thought of telling her how I was feeling.
“Nothing is wrong, I just felt like talking to you girl.” I panicked, I couldn’t tell her anything.
“Oh, alright, where are you at babe?” she questioned.
“Oh, I am at Aiden’s house, but I just wanted to call and check up on you.” I said.
“I am doing good, but I’ll let you go though so you can chill with Aiden, have fun, goodnight babe love you.”
“Um… alright, night, love you too!”
She hung up. So what should I do now? Should I go back into Aiden’s room?
After pacing around for a few minutes I decided to head back to Aiden’s room. When I opened the door there he was laying on his bed, naked, jacking off to the couple having sex on the T.V. screen.
“Having fun?” I asked.
“Oh, hell yeah man. Why don’t you do this?”
“I don’t know man it just isn’t my thing I guess.” I said as I sat down in a recliner next to the bed. He sat up and moved smoothly and seductively toward me.
“What’s wrong?” he asked rubbing his hands softly up and down my thighs.
“Can’t get it up? Do you need a little help? I can help you.” He proposed as he slid his right hand to my crotch and rubbed his check against mine.
“I am just playing bro!” he stated as he punched me in my shoulder.
Oh my god, did that just happen? Fuck the porno Aiden just made me so horny within a matter of seconds. Thank god that I am wearing jeans! At this point I was in such a state of shock I completely zoned out I was mesmerized by him. He didn’t take any notice to me seeing as his porn just ended.
“Dammit man porno seems so short well its late lets crash!”
Zoning back into the conversation when I realized he had been talking to me.
“Oh, alright where should I sleep?” I asked.
“Just sleep on the other side of my bed.” He stated.
“Alright, night.”
“Night.”
I love the way he moves in his sleep, my girlfriend doesn’t move like that she lays perfectly still. I can't tell when she is taking in a breath of air, but with Aiden I can tell, I can see his sculpted chest moving up and down so slowly. Why is this so amazing to me? You know how some people say “they look like an angel when their asleep” well he really does.
* * *
Let’s just say I didn’t sleep to well last night, but eventually I did fall asleep. At around ten o’clock I was rudely woken up. Aiden was sitting on top of my stomach with his shirt off, right in my face saying “Wake up sunshine”. This wasn’t helping my so-called morning wood at all. If he only knew how I felt about him, he really wouldn’t be on top of me right now!
“Wake up sleepy ass!” he yelled.
“I’m up!” I replied.
“So what do you want to do today?” he asked.
In my head all of the thoughts soared, he couldn’t even imagine all of the stuff I wanted to do with him. What am I saying? This is too strange, this is way too different.
“I don’t care.”
“Call up your girlfriend and lets go see a movie man!” he suggested.
As if the situation wasn’t fucked up enough already adding my girlfriend will just make this day worse.
“Alright, sounds cool.”
So I did just that, the rest of the day was one huge awkward moment. I felt like a third wheel yet torn in between my girlfriend and my best friend. I guess I wasn’t acting like myself since both of them kept asking me “what’s wrong?” And anything that could make this situation worse was happening, lets just say don’t watch the movie Threesome with Stephen Baldwin when you are confused yourself! I need to get home I need to get away, I need to take some time for myself, I need to be alone.
“I am going home; I will see you both later.”
And I left, just like that.
* * *
So I went home what else was I supposed to do? I couldn’t possibly begin to describe the feelings I have for Aiden to my girlfriend, and I couldn’t even think about telling Aiden the feelings I have for him, I am afraid that they will disown me and not want anything to do with me. What will I do if I lost my best friend and my girlfriend?
My cell phone kept ringing, over and over, it was Jessica and Aiden calling to ask what was wrong. For once I don’t feel like talking about what is wrong, so I finally put my phone on silent (which I never do). What am I doing? Why am I trying to run away from the predicament? What is running away going to do? It isn’t going to solve anything. I mean I am still going to see both Aiden and Jessica everyday at school, and Jessica will still want to go on dates and shit. How much more of this can I take? All these questions and I still have no answers.
I lay on my bed and turned on my music, as loud as it could go, to try and block out this tornado of thoughts rushing around my head. It helped a little but nothing major.
I think that I am going to try and let all of this go and just push it out of my mind, that should work right?
* * *
It’s not working! I am trying so hard to push all of my conflicting thoughts away! But still they remain! I have shoved it off for 3 weeks now! How much longer will I be able to handle all of this? I can’t sleep, I am having trouble eating, my life has been turned upside down! Everyone is looking at me like I have leprosy or something. I bet they are all trying to guess what wrong with me. But none of them know just what kind of shit I am dealing with.
JESS
Why has Jay been acting so weird lately? What was going on with him? What’s going though his head? I sure don’t know but I know that I can’t talk to him about what I am dealing with! I mean how do I begin to describe to him that when him and I are together I sometimes think about our friend Aiden? What a fucked up girlfriend I am! How selfish could I be? Wait? Does he know that I think this way? Is that why he is drifting from me? Is that why he never wants to be around Aiden and I at the same time? God I wish I could just get into his head and know what he is thinking!
“Ohh!”
My cell phone vibrating in my lap startled me. I got a text message, who is texting me? Oh my god! It’s from Aiden! What does he want?
“Do you want to chill tomorrow?”
What should I say? Of course I want to chill tomorrow! Should I invite Jay?
I have to call Jay! I clicked his speed dial number and the phone began to ring.
“Hello?” he asked.
“Hey honey!” I said kind of off key.
“What’s up?”
“Aiden and I may chill tomorrow do you want to come with us?”
I didn’t know how to stall anymore so I just decided to ask him flat out.
“No thanks, I just got some stuff I have to do. But you two go and have fun.”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Yeah it’s fine.”
“All right then.”
“Well I am going to sleep goodnight Jess.”
“Goodnight.”
He was going to sleep this early? Its 10 o’clock he never goes to sleep before 1 or 2. Did I upset him! I don’t know what to fucking do! I am going to text Aiden back!
“Yes lets chill!”
Oh God, what am I setting myself up for?
* * *
As I am taking a shower the doorbell rings! Shit! That must be Aiden. I grabbed a towel wrapped it around my drenched body and went to go answer it. I look through the peep hole and there he is standing there with a button up collard shirt that is only halfway buttoned up I could see his amazing chest all tan and built. I instantly closed my eyes!
“Oh my god! What am I going to do?”
I finally decided that I should open the door to let him in.
“Hey Aiden.” I said as the door was opening.
“Hey” he replied. “Oh I’m sorry was this a bad time?”
“No, it’s fine, just give me a few minutes to get ready okay?”
“Alright!”
I went back to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I started to breathe really fast all I could think about was the fact that Aiden was sitting in the other room. I imagined him barging in to my bathroom ripping off his clothes and pulling me onto him. What am I thinking? He is my boyfriend’s best friend and mine. Why the hell am I feeling like this? It took a lot longer to get ready than I had planned since my head was whirling with all of these thoughts. I could hear that Aiden was just sitting in my living room flipping through the channels on the TV. I am glad that he can find ways to entertain himself. After I had gotten dressed and put my make up on I left my bathroom to join Aiden in the living room.
“I’m ready to go!” I said as I was drooling over him lounging on my sofa.
“Cool, let’s go.” He replied.
And we both proceeded out the front door.
* * *
As he was driving to the movie theaters all I could do was daydream about him. I though about him driving a convertible shirtless with the top down and his soft brown hair blowing in the wind. There really is something wrong with me. What kind of girlfriend am I? Do they have help for people dealing with this kind of sick shit?
“Are you alright?” Aiden asked.
I was to busy thinking to myself I hadn’t noticed that we were already at the movie theaters.
“Oh we’re already here? Yeah I am fine! Why do you ask?”
“You just didn’t seem to be on earth for a minute there!” He began to laugh.
I laughed with him making it seem like I was okay. Aiden turned the stereo down and looked at me with a serious look on his face.
“Jess, do you know why Jay’s been acting so different lately?”
“I honestly have no idea, do you know?”
“No, but this isn’t like Jay being all secluded and spending all of his free time by himself.”
“I know, I am really worried about him.”
“Same here.”
We sat silently in his car for the next few minutes. I am worried about Jay, but I am also worried about myself. I am worried that my feelings will end up screwing up all of our friendships.
“Lets go get our seats before the theater fills up.”
I agreed and we got out of the car got our tickets and snagged our favorite seats before it got to crowded. It was strange how natural this day out with Aiden felt, I thought that it wouldn’t be the same without Jay, but I was wrong. It felt normal it felt right. I guess Aiden felt the same way too as the previews started he rested his head on my shoulder. My heart suddenly melted and I began to get nervous. But I really liked how this night was turning out.
* * *
After the movies Aiden drove back to my place and of course I invited him in to relax for a while. We sat on the couch and flipped through the television and had random conversations about movies and various TV shows. I couldn’t help myself Aiden was just so perfect and so beautiful. I wasn’t able to think about Jay at all when Aiden was anywhere near me. I moved closer and closer to Aiden he watched me with curiosity, when I got close enough I pushed my lips to his and began to kiss him passionately while climbing on top of him. For a while he did not resist, but then he suddenly pushed me off of him.
“Jess, this isn’t right, you’re with Jay, I mean I really do like you and all, but not like this.”
“Aiden, all I can think about is you! It may be wrong and It may be fucked up but I know what I want.”
“I don’t think you do, I have got to go I will talk to you later.”
“Aiden, no, please don’t leave!”
“You need to talk to Jay!”
That is the last thing that Aiden said to me before he left my apartment!
* * *
All I could do last night after Aiden left my apartment was cry! I ran to my room and cried the rest of the night. What am I going to do? Is he going to talk to Jay? How the hell do I tell Jay about this?
AIDEN
Why are Jay and Jess acting this way? What is going through Jay’s head? Why isn’t he talking to me like he used to? And why is Jess suddenly all over me? And why do I like both of them so much? Is it weird of me to have feelings for my two best friends? Does that make me a bad friend? I don’t want to be a home wrecker; I am not trying to ruin their relationship by any means. I just can’t fight the strong feelings that I am holding inside for both of them! Does Jay sense that I am feeling this way? Is that why he is trying to stay away from me? God, this whole situation is driving me fucking insane! Maybe it would just be best if I stayed away from them both? I have no idea how I should approach this situation, do I tell them or do I just run away? I am so used to just running away from my problems but I don’t think that is going to help me this time!
* * *
I tried to sleep but all I could do was toss and turn all night long. My mind was whirling with questions and thoughts. I tried everything to silence the chaos in my head, I put on music, I tried to watch the TV, and nothing was working. Jess kept trying to call me and every time I clicked ignore. I don’t know what to say to her, I was flattered to find out that she had feelings for me but I would never do something like that to my best friend that is why I feel it is best to ignore her before the situation gets worse. I have tried to call Jay several times but he seems to be using the same tactic I am, we are so alike sometimes. This is the first time in a long while that I have felt unsure about what to do in life. I need to do something; I need to get all of this off of my chest! I picked up my phone once again and proceeded to call Jay. I knew before I dialed that he wouldn’t answer so I had decided to leave a voicemail. The phone was ringing and ringing when finally it went to voicemail, I waited impatiently for the beep. When I heard the beep I let out a big sigh and began to speak.
“Look Jay I don’t know what the hell is going on in you head but I need to tell you all that’s in mine and just get it off my chest. I … I have feelings for you, and I also have feelings for Jess. It is stronger than a friendship feeling and it has been tearing at me lately and I just don’t know what the hell is going on! Please Jay, please call me!”
I hung up the phone and began to cry.
* * *
The next day when I woke up I had a text from Jay, It said to meet him at our usual meeting place, which happened to be the towns only starbucks, at noon. I was really nervous about what would happen with our friendship, I had to motivate myself and make myself leave my house to meet him; I know if the roles were reversed he would be there for me. When I arrived I noticed that Jess was there too. It was time; we all need to talk to each other face to face. As much as I didn’t want to do that I knew that I had to. When we were all sitting down it was an awkward silence for some time but then the truth came out of us all. We all had feelings for each other that none of us knew the others had. We all were worrying about the same things; the same thing was going through all of our minds. The only question is now what do we do, where does our friendship or relationship go from here?
“So what do we do now?” I asked.
Silence, just a long awkward silence was all that was going on. All of our problems were off our chest but there are still a lot of things that we need to figure out.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Dont tell anyone.
So, you know you have said this little phrase many times, "Don't tell anyone!" And eventually that person goes and tells at least one person.
I have found this lately to be a venting process, one person vents to you, you listen until you need to vent, then you proceed to someone else and vent to them about what is going on. It is natural, I will tell you right now everyone does it! I am not saying that people are telling all of your dirty little secrets and not to trust any one, I am just saying that we all need to vent and sometimes things slip or people need to tell the whole story so others get the whole picture. This is why I am glad that I have such an amazing circle of friends, we all understand that things like that happen! So next time you say, "Don't tell anyone" just think about that!
But don't tell anyone, this will be our little secret!
I have found this lately to be a venting process, one person vents to you, you listen until you need to vent, then you proceed to someone else and vent to them about what is going on. It is natural, I will tell you right now everyone does it! I am not saying that people are telling all of your dirty little secrets and not to trust any one, I am just saying that we all need to vent and sometimes things slip or people need to tell the whole story so others get the whole picture. This is why I am glad that I have such an amazing circle of friends, we all understand that things like that happen! So next time you say, "Don't tell anyone" just think about that!
But don't tell anyone, this will be our little secret!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Tease
UGH!
If you take time to think about it, the human race really does treat people like dogs.
And no not (Dowwgs).
In this day and age every single one of us teases people in some way shape or form!
And some more profoundly than others!
I cant say much, I know I am a tease. But I tease certain people.
And I somewhat enjoy teases, it is like a love-hate thing with me.
I love the fact that you like to tease me and see how far I will go with it, but I hate when I get to into it and nothing comes of it.
This blog probably makes no fucking sense to you (the reader) but I get it....
It is hard to explain w/o examples, but I am not going to put any in here.
So tease on my fellow teasers but if you know a person that likes you and you like to tease them, don't tease them too much, you don't want to torture them!
I enjoy it though.
Signed,
A weird,
tease loving,
somewhat masochistic,
confused,
yet cool teenager!
Sexual fantasies
I mean don't we all have them?
Some are weird, some are romantic, some are sick and masochistic, all genres really!
Mine is really random, cliche and stupid, but I figure "Hey what the hell, why not?"
One of my weird little fantasies is making out and such in a dressing room.
I mean think about it, it is in public yet secluded from the public all at the same time, quite dangerous!
Me like-E!
I mean there are other things and places but I thought that one would be pretty cool!
I'll probably post more later!
You will just have to keep your eye out!
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Party?
Ah, yes last night there was a party.
And lets take a wild guess who didn't go to it!
Me.
And the only reason I didn't go was because two of my close friends didn't go.
Man, I really wanted to go, I need to let go of all this shit, all of this stress!
I need to let loose, I need to live!
Over the break you are damn sure that we all are going to party!
And we are going to have a hella good time!
. . . . . . . . .
If you aren't a senior in high school, let me tell you first hand.
YOU WILL SLACK OFF.
Don't ask me why but you will!
Most of you will!
Well, I guess that is just a fact of life!
Ugh!!!!
And lets take a wild guess who didn't go to it!
Me.
And the only reason I didn't go was because two of my close friends didn't go.
Man, I really wanted to go, I need to let go of all this shit, all of this stress!
I need to let loose, I need to live!
Over the break you are damn sure that we all are going to party!
And we are going to have a hella good time!
If you aren't a senior in high school, let me tell you first hand.
YOU WILL SLACK OFF.
Don't ask me why but you will!
Most of you will!
Well, I guess that is just a fact of life!
Ugh!!!!
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