I'm still here, I was gone for a while, but I am back now.
I am still Matthew, I am still a teenager, but some things have changed.
I am not as close to all of my old friends, I am still close to them, but some are on different levels than others. I had to get away for a little while, I had to let life run its course. Only to find that once life runs it course it puts you on a new one that is just as rocky. Again I am attracted to my new best friend who will never feel the same toward me, and I also have to schedule 2 different sets of friends.
I really wish I could help everyone, I wish I can do more than I feel I am doing.
I finally graduated high school, now i just have to get all of my college shit out of the way and all. I promise to get back on here and keep updated. this time.. right now i just need to go take a walk and clear my head filled with whoa!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
life in general.
Here is the story, I used to have family problems. Not everyday but quite often my family would get into disputes. It was hard for me to deal with it all the time, I mean first I moved from the city to the country, changed from a private to a public school, and went from having a semi strong family to one that is torn into pieces. When I was younger my sister and I didn't tend to get along, she always told me what to do and I hated that more than anything, even though now I see that it was just out of love. It was almost like she was trying to be my mother instead of my sister. But now a days we are so close and I don't know where the hell I would be without my sister! She is a sibling and yet still a close friend dear to my heart!
Most of the family issues have calmed down now, every so often I have had to deal with some cases of depression, nothing to major but my friends have helped me through a lot of it! Then again, now I am having social life issues.
I have always had problems making friends and also getting into relationships. I used to be the most shy little boy you would ever meet (other than my antisocial gay friend) lol just kidding love ya man! And it was also difficult for me to make male friends as well, when I was younger I had a male friend who was completely my bro! We did it all. We really were the shit, but stupid shit happened and he stopped being my friend which really hurt and i was hardly ever able to make a close male friend up until recently which ...well you will see in the next few lines.
Moving on to relationships. It doesn't help that any one that I have ever liked has had either a boyfriend and or girlfriend. It also takes a lot for me to settle down .. sometimes. But lately I am really desperate. And it also doesn't help that I fell really hard for my closest male friend. Everything about him was just so ..... right. He understands me and I can be who I want to be, other than I wanted to be with him. But the fact of the matter is, nothing will come of that and I will just have to move on and not let his choices affect me. This situation has put a little bit of bumps into our close friendship, and I really don't want that to happen. I love him and I want him to be happy!
My X is always there to talk to me as well, and even though it bugs me sometimes she tells me what I need to hear about all of my shitty problems, not what I want to hear!
My antisocial gay friend is always there if I need to vent! Which is a really good stress re leaver!
My best gal friend is always there for me to! And I love her so much for it, I hate to have to bring her into the middle of all of my shitty drama as well, because I know that all of our moods and shit bug her, but I am so glad that she can understand and stick though, I honestly don't know where I would be without her.
My best friend. UGH man, I really do not know where I would be without him. Honestly, I would probably still be in a depression, this kid brought out the Matt in me. Without him I don't think that I would be the fun loving kind of dude that I am today (other than when I am in one my moods then I am not so much fun loving) Lol. I love that I can always talk to him, even though lately it seems much harder to talk. I don't want this friendship to fade, I will do all I can to keep it going. He seriously has been a God send in so many ways! Even though I still have some feelings for the kid I hope we can still push through as friends from now on!
It is hard for me to hide all of these feelings I have been so closed off for so long and I am just starting to open up! And multiple times I have had my downfalls, but I don't want to blab on about that unless you want me to! lol. Then of course I would! :)
So... hmmmm, enough about me, lets talk about you!
Most of the family issues have calmed down now, every so often I have had to deal with some cases of depression, nothing to major but my friends have helped me through a lot of it! Then again, now I am having social life issues.
I have always had problems making friends and also getting into relationships. I used to be the most shy little boy you would ever meet (other than my antisocial gay friend) lol just kidding love ya man! And it was also difficult for me to make male friends as well, when I was younger I had a male friend who was completely my bro! We did it all. We really were the shit, but stupid shit happened and he stopped being my friend which really hurt and i was hardly ever able to make a close male friend up until recently which ...well you will see in the next few lines.
Moving on to relationships. It doesn't help that any one that I have ever liked has had either a boyfriend and or girlfriend. It also takes a lot for me to settle down .. sometimes. But lately I am really desperate. And it also doesn't help that I fell really hard for my closest male friend. Everything about him was just so ..... right. He understands me and I can be who I want to be, other than I wanted to be with him. But the fact of the matter is, nothing will come of that and I will just have to move on and not let his choices affect me. This situation has put a little bit of bumps into our close friendship, and I really don't want that to happen. I love him and I want him to be happy!
My X is always there to talk to me as well, and even though it bugs me sometimes she tells me what I need to hear about all of my shitty problems, not what I want to hear!
My antisocial gay friend is always there if I need to vent! Which is a really good stress re leaver!
My best gal friend is always there for me to! And I love her so much for it, I hate to have to bring her into the middle of all of my shitty drama as well, because I know that all of our moods and shit bug her, but I am so glad that she can understand and stick though, I honestly don't know where I would be without her.
My best friend. UGH man, I really do not know where I would be without him. Honestly, I would probably still be in a depression, this kid brought out the Matt in me. Without him I don't think that I would be the fun loving kind of dude that I am today (other than when I am in one my moods then I am not so much fun loving) Lol. I love that I can always talk to him, even though lately it seems much harder to talk. I don't want this friendship to fade, I will do all I can to keep it going. He seriously has been a God send in so many ways! Even though I still have some feelings for the kid I hope we can still push through as friends from now on!
It is hard for me to hide all of these feelings I have been so closed off for so long and I am just starting to open up! And multiple times I have had my downfalls, but I don't want to blab on about that unless you want me to! lol. Then of course I would! :)
So... hmmmm, enough about me, lets talk about you!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Damn!
I cant wait to be done and out of high school
I am so done with all of these lil so called crushes
I am so pissed that everyone is surprised that I am pretty much a virgin about anything that has to do with dating!
That hasn't been my choice, if it were my choice I wouldn't be so innocent.
It is such a fucking sensitive subject of mine and of course it comes up every fucking day!
I am so fed up with all of this shit!
Sometimes I feel that it was so much better when I was in a depression, not having to care about anything because honestly I really didn't give a flying fuck.
Sometimes I contemplate going back into that damn depression.
Lately I am going through mood swings like a bitch who is permanently PMSing.
My friends try to help, but that doesn't work all the time. Sometimes it is them that has got me in a mood without them even knowing.
I am just so lost and so confused...
I have this damn crush on a friend, but i don't know if it is because I like him, or just the fact that I would like to do shit with him.
And he doesn't make anything easy, HIs girlfriend pretty much bugs the shit out of me, and he is always foolin around.
How come I don't have anyone to fool around with, am I that ugly, or that bad of a person.
...
...
I have tried to ignore all of this. But it is impossible.
Damn this mind that doesn't stop, damn these thoughts that always whirl.
I am so done with all of these lil so called crushes
I am so pissed that everyone is surprised that I am pretty much a virgin about anything that has to do with dating!
That hasn't been my choice, if it were my choice I wouldn't be so innocent.
It is such a fucking sensitive subject of mine and of course it comes up every fucking day!
I am so fed up with all of this shit!
Sometimes I feel that it was so much better when I was in a depression, not having to care about anything because honestly I really didn't give a flying fuck.
Sometimes I contemplate going back into that damn depression.
Lately I am going through mood swings like a bitch who is permanently PMSing.
My friends try to help, but that doesn't work all the time. Sometimes it is them that has got me in a mood without them even knowing.
I am just so lost and so confused...
I have this damn crush on a friend, but i don't know if it is because I like him, or just the fact that I would like to do shit with him.
And he doesn't make anything easy, HIs girlfriend pretty much bugs the shit out of me, and he is always foolin around.
How come I don't have anyone to fool around with, am I that ugly, or that bad of a person.
...
...
I have tried to ignore all of this. But it is impossible.
Damn this mind that doesn't stop, damn these thoughts that always whirl.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
RANDOM QUOTES
Yes all of these things actually came out of peoples mouths!
"I named my orgasm Dr. O, here comes Dr. O!"
"You can probably see it is still red in the hole"
*Sneeze* "Whoa, everything went dark there for a second"
"Did you close your eyes when you sneezed Hun?"
"I got my dildo on!"
"I started choking and it fell out!"
"I can taste the tea bags in the tea. you know, the beans."
*Trying to rap* "I had you on the cross den put you on my bed spread open your legs and made you give me head"
"Damn your fucked up, from the cross to the bed?!?!?"
"I don't know it was the first thing i could think of."
"I love you all three the both!"
"Its 11 and onion?!? I meant under.."
"He disappeared out of nowhere!"
"I cant do that with my left hand!" (You had to be there LMAO)
"I am not going to do a monologue from Helen Keller"
"Well duh i mean she was mute!"
"One time someone was singing a song on American Idol and i was all like OH MY GOD that song is from the land before time, and sure enough Ryan Seacrest said and that was a classic from the lion king, and i was like I TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU!!!"
"WAIT WHAT, Lion King?!?"
"Did I say lion king, ugh, you know what i meant"
"I named my orgasm Dr. O, here comes Dr. O!"
"You can probably see it is still red in the hole"
*Sneeze* "Whoa, everything went dark there for a second"
"Did you close your eyes when you sneezed Hun?"
"I got my dildo on!"
"I started choking and it fell out!"
"I can taste the tea bags in the tea. you know, the beans."
*Trying to rap* "I had you on the cross den put you on my bed spread open your legs and made you give me head"
"Damn your fucked up, from the cross to the bed?!?!?"
"I don't know it was the first thing i could think of."
"I love you all three the both!"
"Its 11 and onion?!? I meant under.."
"He disappeared out of nowhere!"
"I cant do that with my left hand!" (You had to be there LMAO)
"I am not going to do a monologue from Helen Keller"
"Well duh i mean she was mute!"
"One time someone was singing a song on American Idol and i was all like OH MY GOD that song is from the land before time, and sure enough Ryan Seacrest said and that was a classic from the lion king, and i was like I TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU!!!"
"WAIT WHAT, Lion King?!?"
"Did I say lion king, ugh, you know what i meant"
CONCERT.
I WENT TO THE PANIC AT THE DISCO CONCERT!!!!!!
Road trip to Estero, Florida was uber fun!
We made new friends at the concert and were offered to go smoke out with some member of New Found Glory! Of course we declined and just went with our new friends to Applebee's had a nice dinner and amazing conversations! Afterwords we headed to my sisters place to crash and me and AJ randomly died our hair red the next day! haha! Good times!
Cupids Darts.
The way you look at her I wished you'd look at me
Every time you talk to her it really spikes my jealousy
I do not want to like you
But, sad to say, I do
I do not want to lose you as a friend
I want to be there for you until the very end
I say you deserve more and you deserve better
Or is that my jealousy just trying to be clever
Sometimes all of this shit is a real blow to the heart
Almost like cupid missed me with his arrows and hit me with dart
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Panic At The Disco!
Getting to Las Vegas - $200Getting a slot machine in the middle of the desert - $1500
Hanging with your buds and not know whether the fucking thing next to you is a man or a woman - PRICELESS!!!
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