Riding solo.

Life is fun, of course it is a roller-coaster but you should know that! You have heard that saying since you were a little kid, right? I know that I have! It is definitely true life does has its ups and downs, but in the long term those things that happen are what molds us into the person that we are, the person that we know and love!
I am just you average human being, an angst filled teenager just looking to have a good time. Of course I am scared I am afraid of failure, I am afraid of loss, I am afraid of hardships and getting old, but all of that is a part of life! In the long run all of those little things will make me stronger! But there is one thing that I am really afraid of. I am deathly afraid that I am going to end up alone in life! That is a thought that impacts me on a daily basis! I always hear that I will find that perfect someone for me one day, and that I am such a great guy, but you can speak words all you want that does not make them true! I am lonely and I have always been lonely! I love my family and I love my friends, but when I am dealing with loneliness there are things that my friends can't provide me with such as comfort and desire. I am just scared that I will not be able to find that one right person. I know loads of people that go through life without finding their soulmate and I really do not want to live like that! I want to find my better half! I don't want to ride this roller-coaster by myself! I want a person to ride this roller-coaster called life right by my side!

50 things you may not know about me.

1. I am highly self conscious
2. I have to sleep in complete darkness
3. It bugs me when doors inside a house are open, I like to close them.
4. I am bi-curious
5. I am undecided about my future.
6. I feel naked if I am not wearing at least one ring when I leave home
7. It doesn't matter where I am going I have to take a shower before I go even if I have already taken one that day.
8. When alone in my room I blast music and dance like Beyonce. (You think I am playing, LOL.)
9. I quit smoking but I still think about smoking a cigarette every single day.
10. When I was a little kid I didn't dream of being an astronaut, I wanted to be a male stripper, and a waiter! LOL
11. I used to play with Polly Pockets when I was little because I had no life. And yes i do talk to inanimate objects!
12. I am deathly afraid of the game truth or dare because of a bad experience, but in a strange way I still enjoy playing.
13. I HATE spiders, my ass will run away if I see one!
14. I have never actually kissed a person with meaning, everyone I have made-out has just been for the hell of it.
15. I HATE derogatory remarks, (i.e. Fagot, Gay, Dike...) I was called a fagot once and that was one of the worst feelings in the world!
16. I am obsessed with concerts and I love going to them even if I do not know the band.
17. I don't mind meeting complete strangers, but I am afraid of meeting my friends other friends.
18. I like getting to know waiters at the places I eat so I can always have a good conversation and sometimes get free shit! :D
19. When I walk into a room I usually lock the door without even realizing it.
20. I am almost completely blind without my glasses or contacts.
21. Some music reminds me of bad times in my life, but sometimes I love listening to it and putting myself back in those times, it is kind of like torture, but I do it.
22. The more dangerous something is to do, the more tempted I am to do it.
23. I am superstitious.
24. I have never really trusted ANY church since one of my friends from childhood was killed by his youth pastor.
25. I am obsessed with watching movies, I will watch them until I can quote them, just like CRUEL INTENTIONS! haha!
26. I love singing in the shower!
27. My favorite thing to do it sit next to a bonfire and playing with the dirt and grass.
28. I am attracted to older males and females.
29. I love blogging to vent my feelings
30. I absolutely hate body hair on my body
31. I honestly believe that I have a receding hair line
32. When I hear a persons name I judge them based on people that I know with the same name
33. I hate school
34. I love alcohol
35. I dream of being in love and have never felt the feeling of love
36. I am very emotional and cry easily.
37. When I get nervous I fidget.
38. It bugs me when people talk CONSTANTLY during a movie!
39. When I am checking a person out I instantly look at the calf muscles.
40. I can not sleep without a fan on!
41. I over exaggerate everything!
42. I sadly love musicals (usually).
43. I am an extremely slow reader!
44. I have the worst memory yet I remember all the bad things in life.
45. I have horrible trust issues, I feel as if I can't trust anyone!
46. I am thoroughly obsessed with Facebook
47. I feel as if I will be single my entire life sometimes
48. I love to laugh it keeps me sane!
49. I am really jealous when it comes to my friends.
50. And finally (for now), I love watching the ocean!

Big Brother.

Big Brother is a reality television show in which a group of people live together in a large house, isolated from the outside world but continuously watched by television cameras. The people in this house have no form of electronic entertainment. They have no cell phone, no television, no gaming consoles, or anything of that nature. They also do not have any books or writing utensils. People have to survive on social skills alone to keep entertained for almost 3 entire months. If this game isn't the most intense mind-fuck, I don't know what is. Throughout the week there are different challenges to help the house-guests win power of the house and luxuries such at hot showers and nice living quarters. Many different problems arise as people begin to clash with one another causing reckless drama (which of course we all love to watch on our televisions!)
This of course is a reality show, but it is also a major culture shock, taking humans back to the basics with no entertainment that we are used to. I mean there is a pool, a jacuzzi, a billiard table, and a chess set but those only help for so long! If I can go on any show I would chose this one in a heartbeat! I want to see how much of the game I could take without losing my mind. I want to see how people can cope without the luxuries that they are used to. And I want to see how well I can play the game and all the people in the house! ;)
If you haven't been able to tell by now I am uterly obsessed with big brother. I love the show the concept and everything about it! I want to go on it in the future!

Love.

SHORT STORY
My name is Jonathan, and just for the record I have never been in love. Yeah I have had plenty of girlfriends, of course I have had sex more than a few times, and I have even kissed other dudes because of dares, but I have never fallen in love. I don’t believe in love. I love you! Those three little words are so damn cliché. I hear them all of the time. I don’t think that many people really mean those words when they say them! All I hear is I lust you. Isn’t that what love is? Is true love something that really exists or is it just something to add on to the lust that we feel for one another. Where did love begin? With Adam and Eve? How did that turn out? A whole lot of fucking, spawning of children, and now look at all of us relatives fighting against each other in world wars! Love is just something that the media created to make a quick buck. Every time I think that I have found a couple that are in love reality sets in, some crazy ass scandal unfolds, and the relationship crumbles to pieces. I am sure this situation sounds at least a tad bit familiar to you! Have you seen anyone that can tell you at this very moment that they’re in love?
***
Love is a figment of our imagination. It can’t be real, if it were why is there so much hate in this world? Out of 25 years of living the only love I have found is my relationship that I have with the porcelain god when I have had a little bit too much to drink. I mean think about it nothing is more willing to accept your sick. My friend Mark always tells me that I am going to find someone special someday. He tells me that I will be in a relationship just as lovely as he and his girlfriend Rachel. I don’t know what relationship he is looking at, lets see, Rachel has once thrown a portable phone at him, has pushed his computer through the wall, and dumped out all of the alcohol in the house. I don’t know about you but that relationship would have been done with the second I saw my Jose Cuervo going down the drain. So I am not looking forward to finding my ‘Rachel’ because I would like to stay out of the slammer!
***
Every time my buddy Mark invites me to his house his girlfriend Rachel always has one of her friends over that she “really wants me to meet”. The sad part is that all of her friends are just about as anal as she is! I used to act like I would enjoy myself on these evenings but after about fifteen times I have learned that doesn’t help me at all. So lately when she has a friend over I act like an ass and within ten minutes I am sure they’re not interested in me. Me acting this way really tics off Rachel, it is such a comedy. After this situation was repeated several times Rachel eventually gave Mark an ultimatum, he could either stay with her or be friends with me. Of course Mark was blindsided by, so called, love and chose her. Is that really love? Does love make you choose one thing over another? Well because of love I have lost a best friend. Do you still wonder why I think love is a sham?
***
Love in an illusion. I have never seen anyone have a happily ever after like the movies show, that is why I enjoy dramas and tragedies, they are more true to life. Today is Friday and I am going to do what I always do, I am going to go to the bar by myself, get a little drunk and go home alone as well. Well after about my fourth or fifth corona this woman walking passed the bar spilt her martini on me, my first reaction was anger but I couldn’t be angry when I saw her face. She had beautiful shoulder length black hair and had the most gorgeous green eyes that I have ever seen. She started to apologize and patted me down with napkins. Her voice was angelic.
“I am so sorry!” She kept saying over and over. “Is there any way I can make this up to you?” she asked.
“Actually, yeah, what is your name?” I asked casually.
“Rachel.”
“It’s really nice to meet you Rachel my name is Jonathan, and please don’t worry about the drink it’s perfectly fine.”
“It’s nice to meet you too, and are you sure I can’t do anything?”
“Well, would you like to go grab a bite to eat or something?”
“Actually, I would love that.”
“Well come on let’s go.” I said.
What is wrong with me? I have never been so forward with a woman before, I didn’t even think about asking her to dinner I just did it. She was beautiful. Even though I had just met her in a cliché romance movie kind of way, I feel as if I have known her since birth. We walked to the nearest delicatessen and spent the next few hours talking about everything from how to get ketchup out of the bottle to the deepest mysteries of life. I have never felt like this for anyone before. Is this what love is? I am so intrigued by this woman, I don’t want her to leave my sight, and she really seems to be enjoying herself. Is all that I thought about love wrong? Does love really exist? Am I going to have to take everything I have been saying for so many years and toss it? I guess it all comes down to if she will give me the chance to be there for her, if she will give me the chance to be her boyfriend. We were getting ready to leave the table when I finally decided to ask her what I wanted to this whole time.
“I have had such an amazing time with you, it was such a pleasure bumping into you, but I was wondering would you like to do this again sometime?”
….

Depression.

*NOTICE* This story deals with some heavy situations. But if you read it I do hope you enjoy!

SHORT STORY
I lay in my room alone my friends try to call but I don’t even pay my cell phone any attention. I didn’t used to be like this. I used to be normal. I used to be sane. Everything was so easy when I was a kid. No stress and no worries. I have been sinking into this quicksand of depression for four or five years now. It isn’t like I have accomplished much in my life. What have I done? I’ve graduated high school … I think that is about it. What are the things I have done that I wasn’t proud of? That list seems to go on and on. I have hurt people; I have ruined people’s lives, none of which was unintended. In my mind I am afraid, I feel so alone 24/7 and it is never a feeling that you get used to. I am tired of being alone; I am tired of being depressed and down all the time.
***
What am I going to do? Talking to people doesn’t seem to help any at all. They can’t do anything for me. It isn’t like a few happy words from their mouths are going to change all that I am dealing with in my mind. What is talking to a shrink going to do? If he has the nerve to ask me “How does that make you feel?” I will fucking choke the hell out of him. Why does everyone ask me the questions? I am the one who has the most questions about myself, If I cant answer any of my own questions how do others expect me to answer theirs?
***
Do you know the saying “So much to do, and so little time.”? Well I am the exact opposite I have nothing to do and all the time in the world! I don’t want to do anything. I have no motivation whatsoever. I don’t want to see my friends, I don’t want to go to the movies, I don’t want to go to a party and get wasted, I don’t even want to leave my room! Nothing helps I just get right back into this mood the second I am done with any of those things. I took up drinking to help me with my problems but it only postpones them for a little bit of time. The only thing that I got out of drinking was the possibility of me becoming an alcoholic. As if that would help my situation!
***
Pills? Do they really work? How is a pill going to help me in any way? You expect me to believe that one little pill will make my mind at ease? I don’t think I have enough faith in a pill to help with my own head! Is there anything else that might help? I don’t think so. If depression is just a “mind fuck” then why can’t I fucking get out of it? I am smart, I think out of the box; I should be able to get myself out of depression right? Ha, that is easier said than done!
***
Music is said to be the best therapy, but when you are so down even the happiest songs seem to be so morbid. I try to find the songs that will make me feel better but I can never seem to find any! But when I am in a funk I can always seem to find the songs about sadness and hate, and even death. Fuck! Music isn’t always the best therapy sometimes it could be your own personal shovel digging your very own grave!
***
Video games were created to take you out of your reality and put you into another world. That is a really good idea who ever though about that. But this concept has just gone to shit! How is playing video games where I have to kill people the whole entire time going to help my predicament? It doesn’t help me at all! It makes me want to really kill someone half the time! Not really but you get what I am saying. Hopefully. I hope someone understands where I am coming from.
***
I am so filled with fear. I fear commitment because I fear pain in the long run. I fear acceptance because I fear being rejected later. I fear love because sometimes love turns into hate. I fear life because it always ends in death. Life doesn’t have a happily ever after. Life isn’t a fucking Disney movie! Although I really wish it was just that easy!
***
Do you know what I am going through? Are you following? I don’t think you are. Don’t just tell me that you are out of pity! That is another thing. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me! I don’t want your pity. That is not what people who are truly suffering want from anyone. But that is the problem now a days you don’t know who is being one hundred percent truthful about the shit they’re dealing with because a lot of people are just that starving for attention! I do not want your attention! At least I don’t think that I do. You don’t know who is being serious until its too late. And it happens more often than you think.
***
If anything did happen to me, who would care? When thoughts like this come across is when I begin to get scared. I am afraid of myself at times; I don’t know what I am capable of doing. There is only one way to bring a person into this world but if you think about it there are millions of ways to leave. Is that why artists commit suicide? Is that really their masterpiece? You can get as creative as you want!
***
By the way my name is Adam, I probably should have told you that at the beginning but it doesn’t matter much. It is all only a matter of time. If you haven’t noticed by now I suffer from depression. I have already written the infamous note and it is stored away until it is time. I don’t know if I will go through with it, I don’t know when, I don’t know how. I don’t know anything! I am just lost in my own mind and I don’t think that I will find my way to the end of the maze.

Epilogue
Depression. Depression is serious; it is not a joking matter. But like the story said you really don’t know who is being sincere about it and there is really not much that can be done unless they want to help themselves. I wrote this in memory of people that I have known who have committed suicide. May you all rest in peace and know that we all love you! If you start feeling like this, take action! Only you can help yourself, try talking to people, and try to pull yourself out! Nothing is worth taking your own life! This short story was also inspired by BLINK-182’s “Adam song”, and Katy Perry’s “I’m still breathing”.

Till next time! x

Fresh start?

What is my name? To tell you the truth I have no idea, one morning I woke up and I did not remember anything at all. When I got to the bathroom and looked in the mirror I did not even recognize the reflection that I saw looking back at me. It is like a sever case of Alzheimer hit me while I was in a deep slumber. I could not remember any people in my life not my parents or my friends. Why can I not remember? Who am I? A better question I should ask is; where am I? What is one supposed to do when placed in a situation like this? What should I do? I do not know where to go or who to talk to. Do I have a job? Do I have any family or friends wondering where I am?
What would you do if you were put into a situation like that? If you woke up one morning and had no recollection of your life how would you cope? Would you try to figure out what you can't remember or would you life a whole new life and start fresh? I think that this is an amazing question! Honestly I am not sure what I would do! As much as I would like to forget so many aspects of my life everything that has happened has molded me into what I am today! I would have to really ponder which to do in the situation though because a fresh start would also mean that I could live a whole new life! That could be a good thing! I just thought that it was a good question! So, tell me what would you do? Would you try and remember your past or would you start all over? Till next time. x