Depression.

*NOTICE* This story deals with some heavy situations. But if you read it I do hope you enjoy!

SHORT STORY
I lay in my room alone my friends try to call but I don’t even pay my cell phone any attention. I didn’t used to be like this. I used to be normal. I used to be sane. Everything was so easy when I was a kid. No stress and no worries. I have been sinking into this quicksand of depression for four or five years now. It isn’t like I have accomplished much in my life. What have I done? I’ve graduated high school … I think that is about it. What are the things I have done that I wasn’t proud of? That list seems to go on and on. I have hurt people; I have ruined people’s lives, none of which was unintended. In my mind I am afraid, I feel so alone 24/7 and it is never a feeling that you get used to. I am tired of being alone; I am tired of being depressed and down all the time.
***
What am I going to do? Talking to people doesn’t seem to help any at all. They can’t do anything for me. It isn’t like a few happy words from their mouths are going to change all that I am dealing with in my mind. What is talking to a shrink going to do? If he has the nerve to ask me “How does that make you feel?” I will fucking choke the hell out of him. Why does everyone ask me the questions? I am the one who has the most questions about myself, If I cant answer any of my own questions how do others expect me to answer theirs?
***
Do you know the saying “So much to do, and so little time.”? Well I am the exact opposite I have nothing to do and all the time in the world! I don’t want to do anything. I have no motivation whatsoever. I don’t want to see my friends, I don’t want to go to the movies, I don’t want to go to a party and get wasted, I don’t even want to leave my room! Nothing helps I just get right back into this mood the second I am done with any of those things. I took up drinking to help me with my problems but it only postpones them for a little bit of time. The only thing that I got out of drinking was the possibility of me becoming an alcoholic. As if that would help my situation!
***
Pills? Do they really work? How is a pill going to help me in any way? You expect me to believe that one little pill will make my mind at ease? I don’t think I have enough faith in a pill to help with my own head! Is there anything else that might help? I don’t think so. If depression is just a “mind fuck” then why can’t I fucking get out of it? I am smart, I think out of the box; I should be able to get myself out of depression right? Ha, that is easier said than done!
***
Music is said to be the best therapy, but when you are so down even the happiest songs seem to be so morbid. I try to find the songs that will make me feel better but I can never seem to find any! But when I am in a funk I can always seem to find the songs about sadness and hate, and even death. Fuck! Music isn’t always the best therapy sometimes it could be your own personal shovel digging your very own grave!
***
Video games were created to take you out of your reality and put you into another world. That is a really good idea who ever though about that. But this concept has just gone to shit! How is playing video games where I have to kill people the whole entire time going to help my predicament? It doesn’t help me at all! It makes me want to really kill someone half the time! Not really but you get what I am saying. Hopefully. I hope someone understands where I am coming from.
***
I am so filled with fear. I fear commitment because I fear pain in the long run. I fear acceptance because I fear being rejected later. I fear love because sometimes love turns into hate. I fear life because it always ends in death. Life doesn’t have a happily ever after. Life isn’t a fucking Disney movie! Although I really wish it was just that easy!
***
Do you know what I am going through? Are you following? I don’t think you are. Don’t just tell me that you are out of pity! That is another thing. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me! I don’t want your pity. That is not what people who are truly suffering want from anyone. But that is the problem now a days you don’t know who is being one hundred percent truthful about the shit they’re dealing with because a lot of people are just that starving for attention! I do not want your attention! At least I don’t think that I do. You don’t know who is being serious until its too late. And it happens more often than you think.
***
If anything did happen to me, who would care? When thoughts like this come across is when I begin to get scared. I am afraid of myself at times; I don’t know what I am capable of doing. There is only one way to bring a person into this world but if you think about it there are millions of ways to leave. Is that why artists commit suicide? Is that really their masterpiece? You can get as creative as you want!
***
By the way my name is Adam, I probably should have told you that at the beginning but it doesn’t matter much. It is all only a matter of time. If you haven’t noticed by now I suffer from depression. I have already written the infamous note and it is stored away until it is time. I don’t know if I will go through with it, I don’t know when, I don’t know how. I don’t know anything! I am just lost in my own mind and I don’t think that I will find my way to the end of the maze.

Epilogue
Depression. Depression is serious; it is not a joking matter. But like the story said you really don’t know who is being sincere about it and there is really not much that can be done unless they want to help themselves. I wrote this in memory of people that I have known who have committed suicide. May you all rest in peace and know that we all love you! If you start feeling like this, take action! Only you can help yourself, try talking to people, and try to pull yourself out! Nothing is worth taking your own life! This short story was also inspired by BLINK-182’s “Adam song”, and Katy Perry’s “I’m still breathing”.

Till next time! x