The last 3 months.

So it has been almost three months since I have last blogged and as always when I take my time away a lot has changed! I have lost friends, I have gained friends, added stress from college and my new job have put a great toll on my social life. All I have been thinking lately is about my future, of course I am going to school but what good is that going to do if I do not know what path I want to take for life? I am tired of sitting in the dark! I know it is my life and I have to make my own decisions but the thought of failing is frightening!! This whole summer I did well in my attempt to remain optimistic, but now the stress from life is pulling me down the dark road of pessimism and that is not something that I enjoy! What does a person do when they want to find their calling in life but cant? Scientists can help by finding cures for many diseases but they cant figure out how to help people to help decide their futures. I am lost but I am trying to find my way! I do not want to stay at a minimum wage job for the rest of my life! That is all I know for sure! I want to do well in life and prove all the people who have ever doubted me wrong once and for all!

Riding solo.

Life is fun, of course it is a roller-coaster but you should know that! You have heard that saying since you were a little kid, right? I know that I have! It is definitely true life does has its ups and downs, but in the long term those things that happen are what molds us into the person that we are, the person that we know and love!
I am just you average human being, an angst filled teenager just looking to have a good time. Of course I am scared I am afraid of failure, I am afraid of loss, I am afraid of hardships and getting old, but all of that is a part of life! In the long run all of those little things will make me stronger! But there is one thing that I am really afraid of. I am deathly afraid that I am going to end up alone in life! That is a thought that impacts me on a daily basis! I always hear that I will find that perfect someone for me one day, and that I am such a great guy, but you can speak words all you want that does not make them true! I am lonely and I have always been lonely! I love my family and I love my friends, but when I am dealing with loneliness there are things that my friends can't provide me with such as comfort and desire. I am just scared that I will not be able to find that one right person. I know loads of people that go through life without finding their soulmate and I really do not want to live like that! I want to find my better half! I don't want to ride this roller-coaster by myself! I want a person to ride this roller-coaster called life right by my side!

50 things you may not know about me.

1. I am highly self conscious
2. I have to sleep in complete darkness
3. It bugs me when doors inside a house are open, I like to close them.
4. I am bi-curious
5. I am undecided about my future.
6. I feel naked if I am not wearing at least one ring when I leave home
7. It doesn't matter where I am going I have to take a shower before I go even if I have already taken one that day.
8. When alone in my room I blast music and dance like Beyonce. (You think I am playing, LOL.)
9. I quit smoking but I still think about smoking a cigarette every single day.
10. When I was a little kid I didn't dream of being an astronaut, I wanted to be a male stripper, and a waiter! LOL
11. I used to play with Polly Pockets when I was little because I had no life. And yes i do talk to inanimate objects!
12. I am deathly afraid of the game truth or dare because of a bad experience, but in a strange way I still enjoy playing.
13. I HATE spiders, my ass will run away if I see one!
14. I have never actually kissed a person with meaning, everyone I have made-out has just been for the hell of it.
15. I HATE derogatory remarks, (i.e. Fagot, Gay, Dike...) I was called a fagot once and that was one of the worst feelings in the world!
16. I am obsessed with concerts and I love going to them even if I do not know the band.
17. I don't mind meeting complete strangers, but I am afraid of meeting my friends other friends.
18. I like getting to know waiters at the places I eat so I can always have a good conversation and sometimes get free shit! :D
19. When I walk into a room I usually lock the door without even realizing it.
20. I am almost completely blind without my glasses or contacts.
21. Some music reminds me of bad times in my life, but sometimes I love listening to it and putting myself back in those times, it is kind of like torture, but I do it.
22. The more dangerous something is to do, the more tempted I am to do it.
23. I am superstitious.
24. I have never really trusted ANY church since one of my friends from childhood was killed by his youth pastor.
25. I am obsessed with watching movies, I will watch them until I can quote them, just like CRUEL INTENTIONS! haha!
26. I love singing in the shower!
27. My favorite thing to do it sit next to a bonfire and playing with the dirt and grass.
28. I am attracted to older males and females.
29. I love blogging to vent my feelings
30. I absolutely hate body hair on my body
31. I honestly believe that I have a receding hair line
32. When I hear a persons name I judge them based on people that I know with the same name
33. I hate school
34. I love alcohol
35. I dream of being in love and have never felt the feeling of love
36. I am very emotional and cry easily.
37. When I get nervous I fidget.
38. It bugs me when people talk CONSTANTLY during a movie!
39. When I am checking a person out I instantly look at the calf muscles.
40. I can not sleep without a fan on!
41. I over exaggerate everything!
42. I sadly love musicals (usually).
43. I am an extremely slow reader!
44. I have the worst memory yet I remember all the bad things in life.
45. I have horrible trust issues, I feel as if I can't trust anyone!
46. I am thoroughly obsessed with Facebook
47. I feel as if I will be single my entire life sometimes
48. I love to laugh it keeps me sane!
49. I am really jealous when it comes to my friends.
50. And finally (for now), I love watching the ocean!

Big Brother.

Big Brother is a reality television show in which a group of people live together in a large house, isolated from the outside world but continuously watched by television cameras. The people in this house have no form of electronic entertainment. They have no cell phone, no television, no gaming consoles, or anything of that nature. They also do not have any books or writing utensils. People have to survive on social skills alone to keep entertained for almost 3 entire months. If this game isn't the most intense mind-fuck, I don't know what is. Throughout the week there are different challenges to help the house-guests win power of the house and luxuries such at hot showers and nice living quarters. Many different problems arise as people begin to clash with one another causing reckless drama (which of course we all love to watch on our televisions!)
This of course is a reality show, but it is also a major culture shock, taking humans back to the basics with no entertainment that we are used to. I mean there is a pool, a jacuzzi, a billiard table, and a chess set but those only help for so long! If I can go on any show I would chose this one in a heartbeat! I want to see how much of the game I could take without losing my mind. I want to see how people can cope without the luxuries that they are used to. And I want to see how well I can play the game and all the people in the house! ;)
If you haven't been able to tell by now I am uterly obsessed with big brother. I love the show the concept and everything about it! I want to go on it in the future!

Love.

SHORT STORY
My name is Jonathan, and just for the record I have never been in love. Yeah I have had plenty of girlfriends, of course I have had sex more than a few times, and I have even kissed other dudes because of dares, but I have never fallen in love. I don’t believe in love. I love you! Those three little words are so damn cliché. I hear them all of the time. I don’t think that many people really mean those words when they say them! All I hear is I lust you. Isn’t that what love is? Is true love something that really exists or is it just something to add on to the lust that we feel for one another. Where did love begin? With Adam and Eve? How did that turn out? A whole lot of fucking, spawning of children, and now look at all of us relatives fighting against each other in world wars! Love is just something that the media created to make a quick buck. Every time I think that I have found a couple that are in love reality sets in, some crazy ass scandal unfolds, and the relationship crumbles to pieces. I am sure this situation sounds at least a tad bit familiar to you! Have you seen anyone that can tell you at this very moment that they’re in love?
***
Love is a figment of our imagination. It can’t be real, if it were why is there so much hate in this world? Out of 25 years of living the only love I have found is my relationship that I have with the porcelain god when I have had a little bit too much to drink. I mean think about it nothing is more willing to accept your sick. My friend Mark always tells me that I am going to find someone special someday. He tells me that I will be in a relationship just as lovely as he and his girlfriend Rachel. I don’t know what relationship he is looking at, lets see, Rachel has once thrown a portable phone at him, has pushed his computer through the wall, and dumped out all of the alcohol in the house. I don’t know about you but that relationship would have been done with the second I saw my Jose Cuervo going down the drain. So I am not looking forward to finding my ‘Rachel’ because I would like to stay out of the slammer!
***
Every time my buddy Mark invites me to his house his girlfriend Rachel always has one of her friends over that she “really wants me to meet”. The sad part is that all of her friends are just about as anal as she is! I used to act like I would enjoy myself on these evenings but after about fifteen times I have learned that doesn’t help me at all. So lately when she has a friend over I act like an ass and within ten minutes I am sure they’re not interested in me. Me acting this way really tics off Rachel, it is such a comedy. After this situation was repeated several times Rachel eventually gave Mark an ultimatum, he could either stay with her or be friends with me. Of course Mark was blindsided by, so called, love and chose her. Is that really love? Does love make you choose one thing over another? Well because of love I have lost a best friend. Do you still wonder why I think love is a sham?
***
Love in an illusion. I have never seen anyone have a happily ever after like the movies show, that is why I enjoy dramas and tragedies, they are more true to life. Today is Friday and I am going to do what I always do, I am going to go to the bar by myself, get a little drunk and go home alone as well. Well after about my fourth or fifth corona this woman walking passed the bar spilt her martini on me, my first reaction was anger but I couldn’t be angry when I saw her face. She had beautiful shoulder length black hair and had the most gorgeous green eyes that I have ever seen. She started to apologize and patted me down with napkins. Her voice was angelic.
“I am so sorry!” She kept saying over and over. “Is there any way I can make this up to you?” she asked.
“Actually, yeah, what is your name?” I asked casually.
“Rachel.”
“It’s really nice to meet you Rachel my name is Jonathan, and please don’t worry about the drink it’s perfectly fine.”
“It’s nice to meet you too, and are you sure I can’t do anything?”
“Well, would you like to go grab a bite to eat or something?”
“Actually, I would love that.”
“Well come on let’s go.” I said.
What is wrong with me? I have never been so forward with a woman before, I didn’t even think about asking her to dinner I just did it. She was beautiful. Even though I had just met her in a cliché romance movie kind of way, I feel as if I have known her since birth. We walked to the nearest delicatessen and spent the next few hours talking about everything from how to get ketchup out of the bottle to the deepest mysteries of life. I have never felt like this for anyone before. Is this what love is? I am so intrigued by this woman, I don’t want her to leave my sight, and she really seems to be enjoying herself. Is all that I thought about love wrong? Does love really exist? Am I going to have to take everything I have been saying for so many years and toss it? I guess it all comes down to if she will give me the chance to be there for her, if she will give me the chance to be her boyfriend. We were getting ready to leave the table when I finally decided to ask her what I wanted to this whole time.
“I have had such an amazing time with you, it was such a pleasure bumping into you, but I was wondering would you like to do this again sometime?”
….

Depression.

*NOTICE* This story deals with some heavy situations. But if you read it I do hope you enjoy!

SHORT STORY
I lay in my room alone my friends try to call but I don’t even pay my cell phone any attention. I didn’t used to be like this. I used to be normal. I used to be sane. Everything was so easy when I was a kid. No stress and no worries. I have been sinking into this quicksand of depression for four or five years now. It isn’t like I have accomplished much in my life. What have I done? I’ve graduated high school … I think that is about it. What are the things I have done that I wasn’t proud of? That list seems to go on and on. I have hurt people; I have ruined people’s lives, none of which was unintended. In my mind I am afraid, I feel so alone 24/7 and it is never a feeling that you get used to. I am tired of being alone; I am tired of being depressed and down all the time.
***
What am I going to do? Talking to people doesn’t seem to help any at all. They can’t do anything for me. It isn’t like a few happy words from their mouths are going to change all that I am dealing with in my mind. What is talking to a shrink going to do? If he has the nerve to ask me “How does that make you feel?” I will fucking choke the hell out of him. Why does everyone ask me the questions? I am the one who has the most questions about myself, If I cant answer any of my own questions how do others expect me to answer theirs?
***
Do you know the saying “So much to do, and so little time.”? Well I am the exact opposite I have nothing to do and all the time in the world! I don’t want to do anything. I have no motivation whatsoever. I don’t want to see my friends, I don’t want to go to the movies, I don’t want to go to a party and get wasted, I don’t even want to leave my room! Nothing helps I just get right back into this mood the second I am done with any of those things. I took up drinking to help me with my problems but it only postpones them for a little bit of time. The only thing that I got out of drinking was the possibility of me becoming an alcoholic. As if that would help my situation!
***
Pills? Do they really work? How is a pill going to help me in any way? You expect me to believe that one little pill will make my mind at ease? I don’t think I have enough faith in a pill to help with my own head! Is there anything else that might help? I don’t think so. If depression is just a “mind fuck” then why can’t I fucking get out of it? I am smart, I think out of the box; I should be able to get myself out of depression right? Ha, that is easier said than done!
***
Music is said to be the best therapy, but when you are so down even the happiest songs seem to be so morbid. I try to find the songs that will make me feel better but I can never seem to find any! But when I am in a funk I can always seem to find the songs about sadness and hate, and even death. Fuck! Music isn’t always the best therapy sometimes it could be your own personal shovel digging your very own grave!
***
Video games were created to take you out of your reality and put you into another world. That is a really good idea who ever though about that. But this concept has just gone to shit! How is playing video games where I have to kill people the whole entire time going to help my predicament? It doesn’t help me at all! It makes me want to really kill someone half the time! Not really but you get what I am saying. Hopefully. I hope someone understands where I am coming from.
***
I am so filled with fear. I fear commitment because I fear pain in the long run. I fear acceptance because I fear being rejected later. I fear love because sometimes love turns into hate. I fear life because it always ends in death. Life doesn’t have a happily ever after. Life isn’t a fucking Disney movie! Although I really wish it was just that easy!
***
Do you know what I am going through? Are you following? I don’t think you are. Don’t just tell me that you are out of pity! That is another thing. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me! I don’t want your pity. That is not what people who are truly suffering want from anyone. But that is the problem now a days you don’t know who is being one hundred percent truthful about the shit they’re dealing with because a lot of people are just that starving for attention! I do not want your attention! At least I don’t think that I do. You don’t know who is being serious until its too late. And it happens more often than you think.
***
If anything did happen to me, who would care? When thoughts like this come across is when I begin to get scared. I am afraid of myself at times; I don’t know what I am capable of doing. There is only one way to bring a person into this world but if you think about it there are millions of ways to leave. Is that why artists commit suicide? Is that really their masterpiece? You can get as creative as you want!
***
By the way my name is Adam, I probably should have told you that at the beginning but it doesn’t matter much. It is all only a matter of time. If you haven’t noticed by now I suffer from depression. I have already written the infamous note and it is stored away until it is time. I don’t know if I will go through with it, I don’t know when, I don’t know how. I don’t know anything! I am just lost in my own mind and I don’t think that I will find my way to the end of the maze.

Epilogue
Depression. Depression is serious; it is not a joking matter. But like the story said you really don’t know who is being sincere about it and there is really not much that can be done unless they want to help themselves. I wrote this in memory of people that I have known who have committed suicide. May you all rest in peace and know that we all love you! If you start feeling like this, take action! Only you can help yourself, try talking to people, and try to pull yourself out! Nothing is worth taking your own life! This short story was also inspired by BLINK-182’s “Adam song”, and Katy Perry’s “I’m still breathing”.

Till next time! x

Fresh start?

What is my name? To tell you the truth I have no idea, one morning I woke up and I did not remember anything at all. When I got to the bathroom and looked in the mirror I did not even recognize the reflection that I saw looking back at me. It is like a sever case of Alzheimer hit me while I was in a deep slumber. I could not remember any people in my life not my parents or my friends. Why can I not remember? Who am I? A better question I should ask is; where am I? What is one supposed to do when placed in a situation like this? What should I do? I do not know where to go or who to talk to. Do I have a job? Do I have any family or friends wondering where I am?
What would you do if you were put into a situation like that? If you woke up one morning and had no recollection of your life how would you cope? Would you try to figure out what you can't remember or would you life a whole new life and start fresh? I think that this is an amazing question! Honestly I am not sure what I would do! As much as I would like to forget so many aspects of my life everything that has happened has molded me into what I am today! I would have to really ponder which to do in the situation though because a fresh start would also mean that I could live a whole new life! That could be a good thing! I just thought that it was a good question! So, tell me what would you do? Would you try and remember your past or would you start all over? Till next time. x

Drama is my shadow.

I have lived on this earth for 19 years! It is all the same, we grow up and are molded to society. Every single human being deals with drama every day, no matter what ethnicity, sexual orientation, or disability you bay be or have. Why is it that this world is filled with hate? Why is it that humans feed off of the misfortune of others? It is drilled into kids brains that drama begins and ends in high school, and let me tell you this is far from the truth! Drama will follow you your whole live until your last breath! The sad part is, even if you try to remain out of it, somehow you will eventually coma across some. Thinking about all of this makes me want to cry every day. I am just a kid and it seems to me that drama is permanently attached to me just like my shadow in the sunlight.

The back-story of my life is not a happy one, at least not all of it is happy. Ever since I was a little boy I have never been able to keep a male friend. Why is this you ask? I have no idea! There comes a time in my life (which is now) when I ask myself what is wrong with me? Why is it that I lose all the people that I am close to? Why is drama a part of my life? I live my life so afraid of connecting and getting too close to people, because when I do I eventually lose them for various reasons! I mean if you are reading this you should at least know me a little bit, is there something wrong with me? Am I a bad person? You would tell me if I were, wouldn't you? I hate drama, I hate groveling, I hate jealousy, I hate relationships, I hate myself!

Let me list the goals that I have achieved in life, I am a loser, I am a nobody, I am a failure, I am a dork, I am 19 years old and never had a job, I don't want to further my education, I have no motivation for life, I have never had a significant other, the only thing major that I can list is that I have graduated high school and lets face it an ape can do that now-a-days! One of my family members even said that if I am going to be like this and do nothing in my life I should just join the fucking service. Me, in the service? No way! Do you ever wonder why the fuck you are still alive? I mean I am not claiming on going suicidal, but really have you ever wondered why you are still living? What is the purpose in life? And an even better question is, what is my purpose in life? If I can't even like myself how the hell am I supposed to like anyone else?

I can't live like this, constantly judged by family and friends, feeling like a worthless piece of crap! I need to change! I HAVE to change! I need to get a job, I need to further my education, I need to leave this home, I need to find the people who will be there for me, I need to figure out my purpose in life, I need to shed all of my tears, I need to overcome my fears, I need to say goodbye to the past.

Again, it doesn't matter who you are, you are destined to have drama be a part of your life. But will you promise me one thing? Just don't let your drama get you into the position I am in! In the mean time I am going to try and get my life sorted out, if i don't do that soon who know what will happen? I will possibly end up in an asylum! But I need to start thinking positively. I need to break from my old habits! Please help me any way you can! I am begging you!
Till next time.
x

Recommendation & Explanation

First of all if you have yet to see Toy Story 3 then right now you should get into your vehicle and make your way to the movie theaters! Pixar has outdone themselves yet again with another masterpiece, Toy Story 3 will make you laugh cry and make you feel like you never want to grow up! It made me feel like I had grown up so fast and didn't have time to fully enjoy my childhood, which of course made me sad! But the movie was phenomenal! Also I think that when you go to your vehicle to see the movie you should check where your car battery is located! If you are going to drive you should know where the car battery is! (One of my friends had to learn that the hard way the other day.) As we were going to the movies Chelsey accidentally left her headlights on but couldn't tell because it was raining so ferociously. Low and behold when we get to the car it was dead! What an adventure we were on from that point on! To make a long story short she eventually had to leave her car there and get it the next day! The moral of the story is to know where your battery is and don't leave your headlights on! HAHA!
Right now I am not doing so well, I guess you can say I am going out of my mind! It seems like I am in the same position as I was a few years ago when my mind would constantly be thinking about negative things and never letting me have an ounce of relaxation! This may be because I have to much spare time on my hands or it may be that I am just confused about all the things that are going on in my life at the moment! My mind is so boggled up with thoughts that I can't even show true emotions anymore, I can't laugh, I can't cry, I am just there. Deep down I hope that everything turns out okay, I hope that I can understand what is going on, or what I should do. This may not be making any sense to you all but it makes perfect sense to me! I need to find a way to let my stress go, keeping it bottled up inside me is killing me, it is killing my social life, it is killing my sleeping pattern, and everything. Sometimes I wish that I could say a spell or make a potion just so I would know what to do in life but I guess that would make life to easy, wouldn't it? I am going to take this time to try and stay back from people! I am going to try and find myself, I guess. I am going to catch up on some reading and try to find a job to stop the stress of worrying and the feeling of uselessness. On a brighter note tomorrow is another day and the sunshine awaits, so that is always a good thing to look forward to! Smiles and sunshine! Till next time! x

So confused...

I don't know what to do anymore, I try and I try but I get nowhere. As of now I am so confused that I am going to do the only thing I know to do, as a last resort that I never like going to I am going to sit back and wait... I hate waiting but I guess that is all I can do... This time I don't know what I have done wrong. I hate feeling like this. Time to drown my worries in a hard work out! Till next time... x.

Good times, somewhat...

First off to start of this blog I would like to explain to you all the adventure that I had last evening! A bunch of friends and I decided randomly to chill at Joel's house! There is nothing better than getting my group of friends together and just spending quality time with each other! Our party game of choice is definitely TABOO! That game is epic! After many rounds of taboo and hilarious banter we decided to to other things, some of us went onto chat roulette and others played on the Wii! We talked to many interesting people on chat roulette and tried to get a few facebooks, you know how we are! Lol. Watching Laura playing the wii and epically failing was definitely a treat! After some time had passed we all decided to play Guitar hero! One person on guitar and everyone else singing as loud as they can! I don't think that I have had so much fun singing like a fool! And singing B.Y.O.B. by System of a Down is so much fun! When guitar hero got boring we decided to start singing Ke$ha songs acappella, Tik Tok to be exact! Singing with my friends is always a unique experience! This is when the night takes a complete turn for the worse, as we are standing outside about to leave we watch this huge F250 fly past Joel's street we watched him drive down a few blocks and we know this man saw us standing outside! This truck speeds skids and swerves right at us and down the street we were on. It was honestly the creepiest thing, we all ran inside as fast as we could. For some time we all were freaking the hell out, but in time we decided to try and leave one more time. As soon as we got outside we hear the F250 is near and we run back inside. Finally we were able to leave after that, I followed Laura home to make sure she got there safe before I drove Amanda home. As we were driving to Laura's house guess who we see? The mother fucker in his red F250! That man should be shot for scaring the shit out of a group of teenagers! You don't scare teens in the ghetto!!! HAHA!

Secondly I would like to point out a more serious note! I would not wish being bisexual on anyone! I would never force anyone to be the way I am! I hate it! People seem to think that bisexual people are just greedy and stupid! I will be the first one to tell you that I am fucked up! I don't need you to tell me that bisexuals are just fucked up individuals! Do you people not understand what I go through every fucking day? Every day I hear the word gay and I HATE that word! I fucking despise it! I would like to see you all walk down the mall and be called a fag or a dike in a VERY derogatory manner! I am sorry I am confused! But don't tell me I am greedy, because last time that I checked I don't get anything! I don't choose who I like it just happens! You all don't understand the weight that is constantly on my fucking shoulders! You don't know how many times I have cried myself to sleep! Just because I am hanging with people that doesn't make them gay. The majority of my friends are straight, yet people like to think that they are gay because I am their friend! That makes me feel like shit! I REALLLLLY HATE that people think that I would recruit my friends on this fast car to hell! I am so fed up with everything! No one seems to understand what I deal with everyday, sometimes not even my close friends..... Ugh! I am sorry I didn't mean to be a Debbie Downer I just really had to get that off of my chest! I wish I were straight and had all the little drama my friends deal with instead of my problems! Anyways! Ill get over it! Again I just needed to vent! Sorry! I am happy go lucky Mattie again! haha! Till next time! x

Drowning in Fear.

This blog is really going to go into depth about the real me! You all know the fun, happy-go-lucky Mattie, but that is a mask that I tend to hide behind on the stage of life but you dont get to see what happens behind the curtain. I constantly feel like I am sinking in an ocean of fear, I will never be able to find a life jacket and I can not swim to the shore. Lately I feel as if I am going to end up failing in all aspects of life. I am deathly afraid of failure! People call me lazy and they say that I am unmotivated, but this is because I am afraid, I am scared that if I change it may end up making my life worse. Fear overtakes any motivation that I have ever had! I am afraid of death, I am afraid of loss, I am afraid of rejection. I am the most paranoid person that you will meet! It doesnt matter whether you are my best friend or my new acquaintance any little thing can set me off and make me feel like I am going to lose your friendship! I deal with that every single day of my life! I hate the feeling of loss, but my mind makes me think that I am losing all of my friends every day! Is there something wrong with me? I fear getting a job because I fear that no one at the workplace will like or accept me. I fear leaving my parents house and getting a place of my own because then I will have no support at all. I fear the future because I have no idea what I want to do in life! I fear that none of my dreams will come true so because of this I don't like to dream. I am afraid that some of you will reject me after reading this and call me a whining selfish bitch just for expressing these feelings! As much as I want a relationship I am too afraid to even begin one! Every relationship that I have been near have ended up in pain and torment and I am afraid that is how my relationships will end up! I need someone there for me but I don't want to put anyone though all of my bull shit! I don't know where my head is. I fear opening up to all of my friends because if I do lose them I wonder what they will do with all the information they know about my life. I am just always so afraid and there is nothing I can do to shake this off. Maybe I need help? Maybe I need to stop hiding behind this mask all of the time, but I hate showing this side of me to my dear friends! I hate feeling like this! I just wish all of this fear would go away, but every night as I lay down to sleep I freak out and think way more than I should! .... When will I be able to find a solution? When will I stop sinking in this ocean of fear and be able to swim right across it?!? I have no clue, which scares me, but I hope I figure out a way to handle it all soon! I need to face my fears, I need to grow up! I need to stop being 150% paranoid because it makes me seem obsessive and stalker(ish). I need to change this sick and fucked up cycle! Till next time! Usually I put an x here to symbolize hugs of love, but I don't know if that is the best way to close this post...

Life swings on!

It doesn't matter what goes on in your day to day activities, it doesn't matter what traumatic events have happened, life keeps going. It may be difficult and may be hard to deal with at times but none of it matters if you are still alive right?!? Why is it that we don't know how to cope as people anymore?!? This day and age all we as humans know how to do is go to these things called doctors and pay tons of money for medications that we aren't even sure work! If we look back into history far enough there was never medication so why is it that we need so much now? Have you ever thought about that? I just think it is absurd, I mean every person knows at least 3 or 4 people on pills such as paxil or zanex etc. I feel like we are the most drugged up individuals but we don't even notice because it is all being prescribed to us! I wonder how the next generation will be?!? This world that we live in is quite confusing, but hey at least we are all still alive right?!? Anyways, till next time! x

A day is always filled with sunshine and optimism but there are usually rain clouds of pessimism.

My goal this week was to be more optimistic about life, and let me tell you I am trying my damnedest but it is quite difficult! I don't know what to do about anything? Can you tell me how to think, how to act, what to say or do, because if I keep attempting by myself I think that I may implode! Where do I go from here? I lay down at night think that there Is going to be a brighter tomorrow but it is filled with clouds of chaos! How does one manage to get out of that? I wish my clouds of chaos would take me to OZ like the twister did for Dorthy! But I live in reality, there is no happiness somewhere over the rainbow!
Enough with this pessimistic thought bubble, that is just me rambling because it is hard to tell you all how I truly feel! But all in all yesterday was a good day for the most part! I got to spend time with Swiss and Mozzarella and they always know how to turn my frown upside down!Last night I also experienced the funniest youtube video I have ever seen! HAHAHAHAHAHONKKKK! A woman that laughs like a car horn! Now if that isn't epic I don't know what is?!? I am glad that I can still have fun times when I am a little down, it helps me! I am just always trying to better myself in the long run! I wish I could do it all at once! Hopefully next time I post on here for you all to read I will be fine, hopefully I will have all of my issues sorted out and my drama put to rest, I just need to get back to being myself! :) Till next time! x

I am so sorry!!!

First and foremost I would like to sincerely apologize for my actions yesterday! I was extremely upset and not in my right mind when I posted my blog! I would like to apologize to my best friend Case, I love you bro and we will work things out I am really sorry for calling you what I did and saying so many hurtful words! And also I apologize to all of the other people who may have read my blog! What I did was uncalled for but I did it anyways to get my point across!
On a brighter note today I went to my nieces birthday party, I love them so much! They are growing up so quick! Every time I see them I feel like I am getting so old, even though I am still new to adulthood. Spending time with my sisters family and their friends made me miss my friendships and the bond that I should have with people this is why I don't want to be on rocky terms with anyone I know! To all of you who are my friends I would just like to say I love you so much and you have no idea how much you all truly mean to me! Honestly, I would not be able to survive without you all! I know I have my ups and down with my bipolar moods and once again I do apologize for that as well! I wish I could type how much I truly love you all individually but I will have to save that for another post because there is a lot for me to say about all of you!
On another note, today one of my really close friends got the inspiration to start her very own blog! You should follow her and show her some love! Shout out to Mozzarella!
Wow, look at me and all of my rabbit trails I am so emotional I can't even stay on one topic whilst typing (at least it is a good emotional). Well I just wanted to post this and apologize personally to Casey and all of my friends! I hope that I can fix everything that I caused. We will find out all in due time! Lots of love!!! Till next time! x

Honestly?!?

I know that I said I was going to try and be optimistic from now on but for today FUCK that I am being a major pessimist at this point in time! Last night was a waste of my fucking time! I should have just stayed home like I tend to do lately! Honestly, it seems to me that friends are overrated at this point! I went to go see my bro casey's play at his high school, it had it ups and downs of course, but everything shot to hell when a group of us decided to go to Starbucks afterwords. I would just like to say if there is anything I hate more when I am hanging out it is segregation into different groups! I HATE that! If you are going to segregate yourself then don't even tell the people you are not talking to that you are going in the 1st place! I went to Starbucks, so i sat at a table! Most of you stayed at your cars and didn't decide to join us till your OTHER friends left! That's bull shit!!!! My so called best friend hardly said 2 words to me! He ran off chain smoked and he supposedly needed to get home? If you needed to get home you should speak to the driver and you should not walk across a busy highway to walmart.... what is that going to help any! He kept wandering around, all the people at Starbucks (people we don't even know) were asking what his deal was! I don't fucking know what his deal was! I am so upset right now and if it seems like I am ranting like a bitch it is because I AM! I go to my best friends play with him and he chooses to IGNORE us and act like a lil bitch?!?!?!? Honestly? If you want to say something talk to me I cant read your freaking mind!!! I miss the old you! You aren't yourself lately and I don't like it at all! I feel like I put so much effort into my friendship to get nothing back! Last night was supposed to be about him but all that was just shit! I guess! And another thing FOR THE LAST TIME I don't mind chilling with AJ! Everyone has it in there head that I hate this kid! But last night was bull shit! I honestly don't know what to say to any of you people right now! You call yourself friends?!? BULLSHIT! I'm so tired and upset right now! Im just going to stop here!! I have way too much on my mind and I probably should not be posting this but again! Fuck it! I would also just like to thank the 2 people who actually acted sane and kept me composed last night, so thank you guys so much!!! Till next time! x

What is this chatroulette you speak of?

I don't know if you have noticed or not but lately there has been a sick obsession about this site called chat roulette! I can't say anything about people having this fixation because sadly am semi obsessed as well! I just think that it is amazing being able to have a conversation with a complete stranger. It is really neat that you can converse with people that live anywhere around the world! Isn't that a great concept, connecting with other races and cultures via webcam? Of course this site that has amazing potential has just turned into a easy fix for free porn, men and women exposing themselves to anyone who would like to watch. At times that is a little creepy, believe me we don't want to watch you masturbate if we did we would go rent a porno flick! (But of course sometimes they can be good looking *wink* lol). I have been able to talk to tons of people who live abroad, chatting with people who live in England, Norway, Australia, Brazil, Portugal, Canada, and many other places as well! I have met some pretty interesting people and I have had some pretty random conversations! I would just like to say that all the people who are tipsy on chat roulette really make everything much more exciting! All in all forget the tits, next the dicks and just go on the site and talk to people you will probably never meet! You never know who you will find on chat roulette! ;)
P.S. I do not know the people in the picture I posted! I just found that image on Google, so thank you my fellow strangers and Google! Till next time! x

My adventure at Starbucks.

Yesterday was an extremely boring day! But at around 11 PM my friends called me and finally decided to make some plans! So what else are we supposed to do? Of course we go to the neighborhood 24 hour Starbucks! And let me just tell you what an adventure we went on! First of all let me introduce you to my friends, Amanda is a fun loving true blond!! She says the most random things at the perfect times! Which was great during our adventure last night. Joel is a chill person who likes to go with the flow. Well if you don't know Joel I would like to let you know his vehicle is always like a cafe, last night in his vehicle he had little bite muffins, bottles of water, a huge pack of cokes, the list goes on and on, he also has a monopoly board, I hope you see where I am going with this! LOL. The night started with meeting up at the neighborhood big lots at 12:15 AM, trying to find people to join us, driving to our friend Whitney's house banging on her door (she never answered), the 35 mile drive to Starbucks jamming out to the glee version of 'Don't Stop Believing' and other highly embarrassing songs to be singing aloud on the highway, (but those are always the best songs to jam to) haha! We didn't actually get to Starbucks till sometime after 1AM, and the scary part is we have been going there so often lately that we recognized most if not all of the people there. After some period of time of talking and random banter Amanda started getting a little hungry and decided to get the little bite muffins out of Joel's car. When she got to his car she was trying to open the trunk to get the monopoly board, she was having the most difficult time trying to open that trunk! haha!
"Joel, come help me, come here!"
Low and behold there was a group of teenagers sitting near us, as soon as Amanda yelled this out one jumped up and responded to her call!
"I'll come, I heard the words come and here, and you know I'm there!!!"
He rushes over and tries to help Amanda with the trunk! All of us friends back at the tables are laughing our asses off! The kid that was helping Amanda was completely wasted! He drank a little to much Sangria! And as soon as he saw monopoly that was all he wanted to do so we had a flaming drunk guy randomly join us for a game of monopoly! One of his friends joined us as well! It didnt last long but that was the funniest thing that has happened to me all week! Let me tell you! You have to play monopoly with a drunk person! It is priceless! The other group of kids soon left and headed home! I really hope Mike (the drunk one) got home safe, he really shouldn't have driven! Soon after we left as well and jammed to techno rave music all the way back to big lots! LOL. All in all amazing coffee, tons of laughs, hilarious people, last night was definitely epic! I really wish you could have been there! Till next time! x

What do you think?

What are your thoughts on dreams? When you dream at night while you are asleep do you think it means anything? Do you think it is a sign of what's to come in your life ? Lately I have dreamed a little bit about love and just how I would feel if I were in love. Does that mean that I am going to find someone soon, or is it that I am so desperate that I just dream about being in love? I think that it is a good question. Hmm, I wish I could find love! That would be nice, and these dreams are just like little teasers. It is like hanging a piece of steak in front of a hungry dog just far enough to where it cant reach it. Anyways, I love dreams. Sometimes I wish I could just stay asleep and live in my dreams for as long as I wish! But of course we can't do that so I will remain in reality!! Till next time! x

Lazy days!

So everything is looking up! Me and my friends are doing well, there hasn't been to much drama lately, which is good believe me! haha! But there is only one thing that has been setting me back! I realize that I have no motivation whatsoever! That's a problem! I feel like a 12 year old jit trapped in a 19 year old's body. I need to move on in life! I am going to start my second semester of college soon! I need to get a job, I need to get an income, I need to leave my parents house (I don't want to catch any family curses lol). All of that is what I need, but what am I doing to achieve it? Nothing! You would think that I would be motivated but strangely I am not! I don't know why, maybe I am afraid of change or of the future, who knows? I wish they would sell motivation in a bottle, that would be cool right? Haha anyways in other news I watched the LOST series finale last night I never watched an episode but I LOVED the finale, now I want to watch the whole series! I remember 6 years ago when it premiered that I was going to watch that show faithfully but I never did! I am such a poser! This Thursday I am going with a friend to the rays game! That is going to be fun! Maybe afterwords we will do what we do every Thursday and that is go to the neighborhood 24 hour Starbucks and stay and chat till 3 AM. Starbucks that is open 24/7 now that is definitely a gift straight from God!!! I feel all Starbucks should be like that! Just my opinion of course! Well it is time for me to find some motivation! Maybe I will find it on the treadmill? I think it is worth a try! Don't forget to watch the GAGA episode of glee tomorrow everybody! Till next time! X

My feelings today.

Today I feel rather lonely. I always go through days like this, when I feel lonely lost and confused. I am sure we all as humans go through days such as this. I feel as if if I had someone there living life with me (a significant other) that it would make life run a little smoother. Do you know what I mean? I know relationships are difficult but I feel that It would help me. The course of true love never did run smooth. I heard a song today that brings up a very good point. While watching New Now Next Pop Lab today a Jay Brannan song titled Can't Have it All came on and here are some lyrics,

Do you want a lover, or do you want a life?
one hand or the other, the butter or the bread knife?
do you choose winter, spring, summer, or fall?
it's driving me crazy that i can't have it all
If these walls could talk, they'd probably cry out for mercy
'til i'm outlined in chalk, i'll be romantically thirsty
so i drink and drink from the proverbial time sink
Fuck this, this can't be my life
tears flowing in full force tonight
why can't i sit down and write,
bring this question to light?
Do we hold the future, or does it come in peace?
and if it's in my hands, are you sure it should be in brittle hands like these?
life, love, and the pursuit of all the things they promised me
can i have all of the above? are the best things in life truly free?

How true is that? Sometimes in this life you have to choose one thing or another and those decisions are usually the most difficult to make. Jay really picked an amazing song to sing and it really got me thinking today! I am going to post more on my short story that I posted on here some time ago, you should check it out and see how I decided to finish it! Till next time! x

The Return!

Wow, it has almost been one whole year since I have posted on this website! Isn't that crazy? A lot has changed since then, for instance, I have graduated from high school and I more or less have a whole new batch of friends! Remember the friend I always talked about saying that I hoped we would never lose touch? Yeah well we hardly see each other anymore and we both have moved on! (It was for the best). I just completed my 1st semester of college as well, that was an experience in itself! Thankfully I kept up good grades! I still to this day dont have a job so lets just say that I feel like a complete bum, I don't really like it too much. As I am a little older I have a whole brand new set of friend drama! I technically lost my virginity and within the next few days the girl that I hooked up with was offering herself to my best friend! That was a low blow so how can I talk to her? The hardest part was my best friend actually considering hooking up with her, it made me feel so used. I dont even know whats going on between me and my bro right now, he hardly ever talks to me anymore, so until he comes to me and talks I don't know what to say... Whilst reading all of my old post I saw that I was a highly negative person! This blog was how I vented! Lately I have been working on becoming a more positive guy! So from now on that is what I am going to try doing! The key word there was try! So I have friend drama? Oh well that's life and life goes on! I will be starting my second semester of college in a few months and before then I really need to focus on getting me a job so that I may have some source of income! (I need to get out of my family's home). It was nice to be able and vent again! I am not going to wait a year before I post on here again! Promise! :)