Drowning in Fear.

This blog is really going to go into depth about the real me! You all know the fun, happy-go-lucky Mattie, but that is a mask that I tend to hide behind on the stage of life but you dont get to see what happens behind the curtain. I constantly feel like I am sinking in an ocean of fear, I will never be able to find a life jacket and I can not swim to the shore. Lately I feel as if I am going to end up failing in all aspects of life. I am deathly afraid of failure! People call me lazy and they say that I am unmotivated, but this is because I am afraid, I am scared that if I change it may end up making my life worse. Fear overtakes any motivation that I have ever had! I am afraid of death, I am afraid of loss, I am afraid of rejection. I am the most paranoid person that you will meet! It doesnt matter whether you are my best friend or my new acquaintance any little thing can set me off and make me feel like I am going to lose your friendship! I deal with that every single day of my life! I hate the feeling of loss, but my mind makes me think that I am losing all of my friends every day! Is there something wrong with me? I fear getting a job because I fear that no one at the workplace will like or accept me. I fear leaving my parents house and getting a place of my own because then I will have no support at all. I fear the future because I have no idea what I want to do in life! I fear that none of my dreams will come true so because of this I don't like to dream. I am afraid that some of you will reject me after reading this and call me a whining selfish bitch just for expressing these feelings! As much as I want a relationship I am too afraid to even begin one! Every relationship that I have been near have ended up in pain and torment and I am afraid that is how my relationships will end up! I need someone there for me but I don't want to put anyone though all of my bull shit! I don't know where my head is. I fear opening up to all of my friends because if I do lose them I wonder what they will do with all the information they know about my life. I am just always so afraid and there is nothing I can do to shake this off. Maybe I need help? Maybe I need to stop hiding behind this mask all of the time, but I hate showing this side of me to my dear friends! I hate feeling like this! I just wish all of this fear would go away, but every night as I lay down to sleep I freak out and think way more than I should! .... When will I be able to find a solution? When will I stop sinking in this ocean of fear and be able to swim right across it?!? I have no clue, which scares me, but I hope I figure out a way to handle it all soon! I need to face my fears, I need to grow up! I need to stop being 150% paranoid because it makes me seem obsessive and stalker(ish). I need to change this sick and fucked up cycle! Till next time! Usually I put an x here to symbolize hugs of love, but I don't know if that is the best way to close this post...