Depression.

*NOTICE* This story deals with some heavy situations. But if you read it I do hope you enjoy!

SHORT STORY
I lay in my room alone my friends try to call but I don’t even pay my cell phone any attention. I didn’t used to be like this. I used to be normal. I used to be sane. Everything was so easy when I was a kid. No stress and no worries. I have been sinking into this quicksand of depression for four or five years now. It isn’t like I have accomplished much in my life. What have I done? I’ve graduated high school … I think that is about it. What are the things I have done that I wasn’t proud of? That list seems to go on and on. I have hurt people; I have ruined people’s lives, none of which was unintended. In my mind I am afraid, I feel so alone 24/7 and it is never a feeling that you get used to. I am tired of being alone; I am tired of being depressed and down all the time.
***
What am I going to do? Talking to people doesn’t seem to help any at all. They can’t do anything for me. It isn’t like a few happy words from their mouths are going to change all that I am dealing with in my mind. What is talking to a shrink going to do? If he has the nerve to ask me “How does that make you feel?” I will fucking choke the hell out of him. Why does everyone ask me the questions? I am the one who has the most questions about myself, If I cant answer any of my own questions how do others expect me to answer theirs?
***
Do you know the saying “So much to do, and so little time.”? Well I am the exact opposite I have nothing to do and all the time in the world! I don’t want to do anything. I have no motivation whatsoever. I don’t want to see my friends, I don’t want to go to the movies, I don’t want to go to a party and get wasted, I don’t even want to leave my room! Nothing helps I just get right back into this mood the second I am done with any of those things. I took up drinking to help me with my problems but it only postpones them for a little bit of time. The only thing that I got out of drinking was the possibility of me becoming an alcoholic. As if that would help my situation!
***
Pills? Do they really work? How is a pill going to help me in any way? You expect me to believe that one little pill will make my mind at ease? I don’t think I have enough faith in a pill to help with my own head! Is there anything else that might help? I don’t think so. If depression is just a “mind fuck” then why can’t I fucking get out of it? I am smart, I think out of the box; I should be able to get myself out of depression right? Ha, that is easier said than done!
***
Music is said to be the best therapy, but when you are so down even the happiest songs seem to be so morbid. I try to find the songs that will make me feel better but I can never seem to find any! But when I am in a funk I can always seem to find the songs about sadness and hate, and even death. Fuck! Music isn’t always the best therapy sometimes it could be your own personal shovel digging your very own grave!
***
Video games were created to take you out of your reality and put you into another world. That is a really good idea who ever though about that. But this concept has just gone to shit! How is playing video games where I have to kill people the whole entire time going to help my predicament? It doesn’t help me at all! It makes me want to really kill someone half the time! Not really but you get what I am saying. Hopefully. I hope someone understands where I am coming from.
***
I am so filled with fear. I fear commitment because I fear pain in the long run. I fear acceptance because I fear being rejected later. I fear love because sometimes love turns into hate. I fear life because it always ends in death. Life doesn’t have a happily ever after. Life isn’t a fucking Disney movie! Although I really wish it was just that easy!
***
Do you know what I am going through? Are you following? I don’t think you are. Don’t just tell me that you are out of pity! That is another thing. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me! I don’t want your pity. That is not what people who are truly suffering want from anyone. But that is the problem now a days you don’t know who is being one hundred percent truthful about the shit they’re dealing with because a lot of people are just that starving for attention! I do not want your attention! At least I don’t think that I do. You don’t know who is being serious until its too late. And it happens more often than you think.
***
If anything did happen to me, who would care? When thoughts like this come across is when I begin to get scared. I am afraid of myself at times; I don’t know what I am capable of doing. There is only one way to bring a person into this world but if you think about it there are millions of ways to leave. Is that why artists commit suicide? Is that really their masterpiece? You can get as creative as you want!
***
By the way my name is Adam, I probably should have told you that at the beginning but it doesn’t matter much. It is all only a matter of time. If you haven’t noticed by now I suffer from depression. I have already written the infamous note and it is stored away until it is time. I don’t know if I will go through with it, I don’t know when, I don’t know how. I don’t know anything! I am just lost in my own mind and I don’t think that I will find my way to the end of the maze.

Epilogue
Depression. Depression is serious; it is not a joking matter. But like the story said you really don’t know who is being sincere about it and there is really not much that can be done unless they want to help themselves. I wrote this in memory of people that I have known who have committed suicide. May you all rest in peace and know that we all love you! If you start feeling like this, take action! Only you can help yourself, try talking to people, and try to pull yourself out! Nothing is worth taking your own life! This short story was also inspired by BLINK-182’s “Adam song”, and Katy Perry’s “I’m still breathing”.

Till next time! x

Fresh start?

What is my name? To tell you the truth I have no idea, one morning I woke up and I did not remember anything at all. When I got to the bathroom and looked in the mirror I did not even recognize the reflection that I saw looking back at me. It is like a sever case of Alzheimer hit me while I was in a deep slumber. I could not remember any people in my life not my parents or my friends. Why can I not remember? Who am I? A better question I should ask is; where am I? What is one supposed to do when placed in a situation like this? What should I do? I do not know where to go or who to talk to. Do I have a job? Do I have any family or friends wondering where I am?
What would you do if you were put into a situation like that? If you woke up one morning and had no recollection of your life how would you cope? Would you try to figure out what you can't remember or would you life a whole new life and start fresh? I think that this is an amazing question! Honestly I am not sure what I would do! As much as I would like to forget so many aspects of my life everything that has happened has molded me into what I am today! I would have to really ponder which to do in the situation though because a fresh start would also mean that I could live a whole new life! That could be a good thing! I just thought that it was a good question! So, tell me what would you do? Would you try and remember your past or would you start all over? Till next time. x

Drama is my shadow.

I have lived on this earth for 19 years! It is all the same, we grow up and are molded to society. Every single human being deals with drama every day, no matter what ethnicity, sexual orientation, or disability you bay be or have. Why is it that this world is filled with hate? Why is it that humans feed off of the misfortune of others? It is drilled into kids brains that drama begins and ends in high school, and let me tell you this is far from the truth! Drama will follow you your whole live until your last breath! The sad part is, even if you try to remain out of it, somehow you will eventually coma across some. Thinking about all of this makes me want to cry every day. I am just a kid and it seems to me that drama is permanently attached to me just like my shadow in the sunlight.

The back-story of my life is not a happy one, at least not all of it is happy. Ever since I was a little boy I have never been able to keep a male friend. Why is this you ask? I have no idea! There comes a time in my life (which is now) when I ask myself what is wrong with me? Why is it that I lose all the people that I am close to? Why is drama a part of my life? I live my life so afraid of connecting and getting too close to people, because when I do I eventually lose them for various reasons! I mean if you are reading this you should at least know me a little bit, is there something wrong with me? Am I a bad person? You would tell me if I were, wouldn't you? I hate drama, I hate groveling, I hate jealousy, I hate relationships, I hate myself!

Let me list the goals that I have achieved in life, I am a loser, I am a nobody, I am a failure, I am a dork, I am 19 years old and never had a job, I don't want to further my education, I have no motivation for life, I have never had a significant other, the only thing major that I can list is that I have graduated high school and lets face it an ape can do that now-a-days! One of my family members even said that if I am going to be like this and do nothing in my life I should just join the fucking service. Me, in the service? No way! Do you ever wonder why the fuck you are still alive? I mean I am not claiming on going suicidal, but really have you ever wondered why you are still living? What is the purpose in life? And an even better question is, what is my purpose in life? If I can't even like myself how the hell am I supposed to like anyone else?

I can't live like this, constantly judged by family and friends, feeling like a worthless piece of crap! I need to change! I HAVE to change! I need to get a job, I need to further my education, I need to leave this home, I need to find the people who will be there for me, I need to figure out my purpose in life, I need to shed all of my tears, I need to overcome my fears, I need to say goodbye to the past.

Again, it doesn't matter who you are, you are destined to have drama be a part of your life. But will you promise me one thing? Just don't let your drama get you into the position I am in! In the mean time I am going to try and get my life sorted out, if i don't do that soon who know what will happen? I will possibly end up in an asylum! But I need to start thinking positively. I need to break from my old habits! Please help me any way you can! I am begging you!
Till next time.
x

Recommendation & Explanation

First of all if you have yet to see Toy Story 3 then right now you should get into your vehicle and make your way to the movie theaters! Pixar has outdone themselves yet again with another masterpiece, Toy Story 3 will make you laugh cry and make you feel like you never want to grow up! It made me feel like I had grown up so fast and didn't have time to fully enjoy my childhood, which of course made me sad! But the movie was phenomenal! Also I think that when you go to your vehicle to see the movie you should check where your car battery is located! If you are going to drive you should know where the car battery is! (One of my friends had to learn that the hard way the other day.) As we were going to the movies Chelsey accidentally left her headlights on but couldn't tell because it was raining so ferociously. Low and behold when we get to the car it was dead! What an adventure we were on from that point on! To make a long story short she eventually had to leave her car there and get it the next day! The moral of the story is to know where your battery is and don't leave your headlights on! HAHA!
Right now I am not doing so well, I guess you can say I am going out of my mind! It seems like I am in the same position as I was a few years ago when my mind would constantly be thinking about negative things and never letting me have an ounce of relaxation! This may be because I have to much spare time on my hands or it may be that I am just confused about all the things that are going on in my life at the moment! My mind is so boggled up with thoughts that I can't even show true emotions anymore, I can't laugh, I can't cry, I am just there. Deep down I hope that everything turns out okay, I hope that I can understand what is going on, or what I should do. This may not be making any sense to you all but it makes perfect sense to me! I need to find a way to let my stress go, keeping it bottled up inside me is killing me, it is killing my social life, it is killing my sleeping pattern, and everything. Sometimes I wish that I could say a spell or make a potion just so I would know what to do in life but I guess that would make life to easy, wouldn't it? I am going to take this time to try and stay back from people! I am going to try and find myself, I guess. I am going to catch up on some reading and try to find a job to stop the stress of worrying and the feeling of uselessness. On a brighter note tomorrow is another day and the sunshine awaits, so that is always a good thing to look forward to! Smiles and sunshine! Till next time! x

So confused...

I don't know what to do anymore, I try and I try but I get nowhere. As of now I am so confused that I am going to do the only thing I know to do, as a last resort that I never like going to I am going to sit back and wait... I hate waiting but I guess that is all I can do... This time I don't know what I have done wrong. I hate feeling like this. Time to drown my worries in a hard work out! Till next time... x.

Good times, somewhat...

First off to start of this blog I would like to explain to you all the adventure that I had last evening! A bunch of friends and I decided randomly to chill at Joel's house! There is nothing better than getting my group of friends together and just spending quality time with each other! Our party game of choice is definitely TABOO! That game is epic! After many rounds of taboo and hilarious banter we decided to to other things, some of us went onto chat roulette and others played on the Wii! We talked to many interesting people on chat roulette and tried to get a few facebooks, you know how we are! Lol. Watching Laura playing the wii and epically failing was definitely a treat! After some time had passed we all decided to play Guitar hero! One person on guitar and everyone else singing as loud as they can! I don't think that I have had so much fun singing like a fool! And singing B.Y.O.B. by System of a Down is so much fun! When guitar hero got boring we decided to start singing Ke$ha songs acappella, Tik Tok to be exact! Singing with my friends is always a unique experience! This is when the night takes a complete turn for the worse, as we are standing outside about to leave we watch this huge F250 fly past Joel's street we watched him drive down a few blocks and we know this man saw us standing outside! This truck speeds skids and swerves right at us and down the street we were on. It was honestly the creepiest thing, we all ran inside as fast as we could. For some time we all were freaking the hell out, but in time we decided to try and leave one more time. As soon as we got outside we hear the F250 is near and we run back inside. Finally we were able to leave after that, I followed Laura home to make sure she got there safe before I drove Amanda home. As we were driving to Laura's house guess who we see? The mother fucker in his red F250! That man should be shot for scaring the shit out of a group of teenagers! You don't scare teens in the ghetto!!! HAHA!

Secondly I would like to point out a more serious note! I would not wish being bisexual on anyone! I would never force anyone to be the way I am! I hate it! People seem to think that bisexual people are just greedy and stupid! I will be the first one to tell you that I am fucked up! I don't need you to tell me that bisexuals are just fucked up individuals! Do you people not understand what I go through every fucking day? Every day I hear the word gay and I HATE that word! I fucking despise it! I would like to see you all walk down the mall and be called a fag or a dike in a VERY derogatory manner! I am sorry I am confused! But don't tell me I am greedy, because last time that I checked I don't get anything! I don't choose who I like it just happens! You all don't understand the weight that is constantly on my fucking shoulders! You don't know how many times I have cried myself to sleep! Just because I am hanging with people that doesn't make them gay. The majority of my friends are straight, yet people like to think that they are gay because I am their friend! That makes me feel like shit! I REALLLLLY HATE that people think that I would recruit my friends on this fast car to hell! I am so fed up with everything! No one seems to understand what I deal with everyday, sometimes not even my close friends..... Ugh! I am sorry I didn't mean to be a Debbie Downer I just really had to get that off of my chest! I wish I were straight and had all the little drama my friends deal with instead of my problems! Anyways! Ill get over it! Again I just needed to vent! Sorry! I am happy go lucky Mattie again! haha! Till next time! x

Drowning in Fear.

This blog is really going to go into depth about the real me! You all know the fun, happy-go-lucky Mattie, but that is a mask that I tend to hide behind on the stage of life but you dont get to see what happens behind the curtain. I constantly feel like I am sinking in an ocean of fear, I will never be able to find a life jacket and I can not swim to the shore. Lately I feel as if I am going to end up failing in all aspects of life. I am deathly afraid of failure! People call me lazy and they say that I am unmotivated, but this is because I am afraid, I am scared that if I change it may end up making my life worse. Fear overtakes any motivation that I have ever had! I am afraid of death, I am afraid of loss, I am afraid of rejection. I am the most paranoid person that you will meet! It doesnt matter whether you are my best friend or my new acquaintance any little thing can set me off and make me feel like I am going to lose your friendship! I deal with that every single day of my life! I hate the feeling of loss, but my mind makes me think that I am losing all of my friends every day! Is there something wrong with me? I fear getting a job because I fear that no one at the workplace will like or accept me. I fear leaving my parents house and getting a place of my own because then I will have no support at all. I fear the future because I have no idea what I want to do in life! I fear that none of my dreams will come true so because of this I don't like to dream. I am afraid that some of you will reject me after reading this and call me a whining selfish bitch just for expressing these feelings! As much as I want a relationship I am too afraid to even begin one! Every relationship that I have been near have ended up in pain and torment and I am afraid that is how my relationships will end up! I need someone there for me but I don't want to put anyone though all of my bull shit! I don't know where my head is. I fear opening up to all of my friends because if I do lose them I wonder what they will do with all the information they know about my life. I am just always so afraid and there is nothing I can do to shake this off. Maybe I need help? Maybe I need to stop hiding behind this mask all of the time, but I hate showing this side of me to my dear friends! I hate feeling like this! I just wish all of this fear would go away, but every night as I lay down to sleep I freak out and think way more than I should! .... When will I be able to find a solution? When will I stop sinking in this ocean of fear and be able to swim right across it?!? I have no clue, which scares me, but I hope I figure out a way to handle it all soon! I need to face my fears, I need to grow up! I need to stop being 150% paranoid because it makes me seem obsessive and stalker(ish). I need to change this sick and fucked up cycle! Till next time! Usually I put an x here to symbolize hugs of love, but I don't know if that is the best way to close this post...

Life swings on!

It doesn't matter what goes on in your day to day activities, it doesn't matter what traumatic events have happened, life keeps going. It may be difficult and may be hard to deal with at times but none of it matters if you are still alive right?!? Why is it that we don't know how to cope as people anymore?!? This day and age all we as humans know how to do is go to these things called doctors and pay tons of money for medications that we aren't even sure work! If we look back into history far enough there was never medication so why is it that we need so much now? Have you ever thought about that? I just think it is absurd, I mean every person knows at least 3 or 4 people on pills such as paxil or zanex etc. I feel like we are the most drugged up individuals but we don't even notice because it is all being prescribed to us! I wonder how the next generation will be?!? This world that we live in is quite confusing, but hey at least we are all still alive right?!? Anyways, till next time! x

A day is always filled with sunshine and optimism but there are usually rain clouds of pessimism.

My goal this week was to be more optimistic about life, and let me tell you I am trying my damnedest but it is quite difficult! I don't know what to do about anything? Can you tell me how to think, how to act, what to say or do, because if I keep attempting by myself I think that I may implode! Where do I go from here? I lay down at night think that there Is going to be a brighter tomorrow but it is filled with clouds of chaos! How does one manage to get out of that? I wish my clouds of chaos would take me to OZ like the twister did for Dorthy! But I live in reality, there is no happiness somewhere over the rainbow!
Enough with this pessimistic thought bubble, that is just me rambling because it is hard to tell you all how I truly feel! But all in all yesterday was a good day for the most part! I got to spend time with Swiss and Mozzarella and they always know how to turn my frown upside down!Last night I also experienced the funniest youtube video I have ever seen! HAHAHAHAHAHONKKKK! A woman that laughs like a car horn! Now if that isn't epic I don't know what is?!? I am glad that I can still have fun times when I am a little down, it helps me! I am just always trying to better myself in the long run! I wish I could do it all at once! Hopefully next time I post on here for you all to read I will be fine, hopefully I will have all of my issues sorted out and my drama put to rest, I just need to get back to being myself! :) Till next time! x

I am so sorry!!!

First and foremost I would like to sincerely apologize for my actions yesterday! I was extremely upset and not in my right mind when I posted my blog! I would like to apologize to my best friend Case, I love you bro and we will work things out I am really sorry for calling you what I did and saying so many hurtful words! And also I apologize to all of the other people who may have read my blog! What I did was uncalled for but I did it anyways to get my point across!
On a brighter note today I went to my nieces birthday party, I love them so much! They are growing up so quick! Every time I see them I feel like I am getting so old, even though I am still new to adulthood. Spending time with my sisters family and their friends made me miss my friendships and the bond that I should have with people this is why I don't want to be on rocky terms with anyone I know! To all of you who are my friends I would just like to say I love you so much and you have no idea how much you all truly mean to me! Honestly, I would not be able to survive without you all! I know I have my ups and down with my bipolar moods and once again I do apologize for that as well! I wish I could type how much I truly love you all individually but I will have to save that for another post because there is a lot for me to say about all of you!
On another note, today one of my really close friends got the inspiration to start her very own blog! You should follow her and show her some love! Shout out to Mozzarella!
Wow, look at me and all of my rabbit trails I am so emotional I can't even stay on one topic whilst typing (at least it is a good emotional). Well I just wanted to post this and apologize personally to Casey and all of my friends! I hope that I can fix everything that I caused. We will find out all in due time! Lots of love!!! Till next time! x